The Wind

By: Whit

Rushing, slipping through the air

blowing leave across the room

Choosing with the utmost care

Styles of impending doom.

Whispering blurry, past my sight

a shadow in the peripheral.

Closing eyes, pulses jump

figures in my silhouette.

 

Dark conglomeration curdling like a scream

stuck within my throat.

A dying need upon your feet

a stipulation that must be read.

 

Steps away, it’s skipped my turn

taking flight upon your grave.

Burrowing deeper inside the marrow

bones wrenching throughout your joints

Tendons and ligaments torn through a pain.

 

Lightning flashes, skidding through these dreams

a washed down gray ridden morning

Dawn failing to dispel the mist

Journey back to time before time

click rewind and pause, no cause for this.

 

The clock still jumps ahead

and your dreamscapes still turn in mind

Engulfed by bitterness, swept along a course of rage

Ice drops glistening, flailiA ting downward a spiral called life

 

Staring past unblinking eyes, profusion of though and enveloping emotives.

Careening crossly, shameful cruelty it swirls around my being

Crass ambiguity slow as molasses in the heat of day

Frame by frame a picture forms

and like a summer storm, rashly skitters away

from the light of truth dawning upon you

 

Shimmies, shivers up my spine, tingling lightly on

pressed to my scalp

A tickle in my ear, frightened tears gleaming

shadowing my eyes.

 

Slickly caressing across my skin, swirling around

it’s eternity, light and darkness, sporadic occurences

with each goal and destination it’s firmly mapped out.

Every sweet breath and sight leading somewhere

beyond the reach it always catches each it’s lost.

….

so yesterday was my first therapy session dealing with my abusive ex boyfriend

something i thought i had dealt with.

i thought i’d moved past him and that it didn’t affect me.

i came home and slept all day.

i almost couldn’t move or think or talk,

all i could do was stare.

i don’t want to admit that what he did still causes me so much pain.

why can’t i just eliminate it from my brain all together,

like he never happened.

the idea of him makes my skin crawl.

i’m so mad he still has so much control over me.

i can’t enjoy compliments from a nice man because he told me i’m worthless.

i don’t let anyone touch me

because he told me to thank his mom for teaching him right

because i deserved to have the shit beat out of me daily.

how lucky i was that he was a “good man” and only did it once in awhile.

he told me my life was nothing without him.

i sat on my knees watching him show me how empty i was without him,

taking all the “happy” family pictures off the walls,

because without him, none of those moments would have happened.

the smell of bud light and blue moon make me sick to my stomach,

that’s what he drank daily and when he’d come home,

he’d force himself on me with beer stained breath, slobbering all over my body

and i’d lay like a dead fish, just waiting for him to be done and pass out.

he said fucking me was like fucking an empty pillowcase,

hollow and empty because that’s what i’d become inside.

no one helped, no one said anything.

i did everything physically possible to make myself less attractive

i stopped taking care of myself, but it didn’t work.

i got on my knees every night begging god to take him away from me,

but there is no god and i’m just a silly stupid girl who believed someone loved me.

no one cared enough to notice the circles under my eyes or the fear on my face.

he threatened to have me killed because he had ties to the mexican mafia,

threatened to slash my tires so i couldn’t go anywhere,

used my child as a weapon to keep me around,

said no one would want my child, let alone want me.

when your longest relationship was an abusive one,

you don’t really have a road map for a healthy one.

so i search for men that are similar to him and i find them.

i let myself be swallowed by men who don’t really love me

and fear the ones who might actually love me right.

i’ll look for every reason that good man isn’t for me.

i can think of a million and one reasons why he’s too good for me,

because i don’t deserve happy ever after.

i don’t know how to do healthy,

but i’m learning.

and one day, i’ll deserve happy ever after.

 

Hey guys!

Hey all!

Sorry we’ve been away for awhile. Life gets ya by the balls sometimes, right? So I’m (jenn) going to post some of the shit I’ve been working on. I’m in the process of writing a chapbook and working on formalizing some new poems for an honors project for school as well. So let me or Whit know if you have any questions. Most post will be mine as Whit is going through some shit that’s keeping her mind and time busy most days. She will get back soon.

Kisses

Jenn

To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t

To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t
Jenn Stall

I saw you
I saw you standing there looking at me
Trying to hide the lust in your eyes
Your eyes scanning my body
Like a human metal detector
You butch, beautiful, sexy woman
I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling
But I knew I wanted your hands on me
I knew I wanted you to kiss me
To have the heat from your mouth
Warm me up and make my body sing
But I knew I hated you
Because I wanted you
I didn’t really know what was happening
I saw your disappointment in me
When I’d leave with someone you don’t like
I didn’t know how to talk to you
So I ran
And ran to a boy who didn’t
Even begin to look at me like you did
I saw your ache for me to be sober
When I’d show up to work stoned
Or leave with the fellow pothead boy
Who only wanted one thing
But I did know you wanted
That same thing from me
You wanted to rip my clothes off
And eat me alive
Wanted to hear me scream your name
But wanted it to be real and loving
Not just a one time “roll in the hay”
You wanted to worship my body
And play it like a fine piano
Stroking every key to
Create sweet music
You, you tomboy with your rollerblades
You made me feel
Where feelings didn’t usually set
I had never wanted a girl before
And you made my mind wander
When I found myself alone with you
In that walk-in freezer
At the sonic when you came to
Open the store where I worked
When you got close to me
So close I could smell your breath
I could see your breath speed up
Your chest rising and falling in hunger
And the cold I had felt
Was no longer cold
Only heat between you and me
But I think you were just as scared as I was
I think you were afraid to admit
You wanted me to
Did you have someone back home?
Did you not indulge in
Your thirst for pussy?
I felt it when you touched me
I felt it when you smiled at me
Your eyes danced with need
And longing for something
That you would never give yourself
Me…
I look back at that time
And I know now exactly what it was
I wanted you for you
I wanted to let our bodies
Become one
I wanted to taste you
Every time I go to that Sonic
In Cheyenne
I wonder if you’re still there
Wait for you to come skating out
So I can run up to you and finally hold you
Maybe you will finally admit it
Maybe you had dreams of me too
And maybe you were my one
But I didn’t know what loving a girl meant
I couldn’t admit I wanted a girl
I’m sorry I let you go

 

Ruins

By Jenn

Most days when the dark is pulling at me
I can stay in my head
In my head, I can play pretend
And it all goes away
I see you and we’re together and happy
I’m not alone
I don’t know you but
You love me
And I love you
I can hear all the things you’d say to me
to make me feel better
I can smell your skin
your breath
Your sweet, delicious breath
Smelling of coffee whiskey and cigarettes
I can feel your arms wrap around me
As you softly sing a new song
Serenading me
Your voice angelic and harsh at the same time
When you let go you
Leave traces of your smell in my neck and clothes
I can feel your kiss on my ear
Tingling chills down my spine
I don’t mind though
because in my mind
you really could love me
In my reality
you never will
So
I walk through my day playing pretend in my head
I pretend you make jokes with me
I pretend you are here
I watch us making dinner
See us laughing at our favorite show
Being romantic
While dancing in the kitchen
To whatever new song we’re singing to each other
I fall asleep in your arms
I wake up warm still in your arms
Safe content and loved
It’s easier to live there then to live here
Here
you don’t know I exist
you don’t know we’re connected
like a string that’s attached to each of our hearts
That pulls us both to each other
But never breaks
no matter how hard we both try
See it what keeps us connected
When I wake up
and you aren’t there
I wonder if maybe I’m crazy
I’m alone
I’m cold and sad
I’m still me
Plain simple horrible old me
I never fell asleep in your arms
I don’t roll over to see your eyes flicker to see me awake
glimmering with love
And excitement just being next to me
I can’t feel your breath in my ear saying
“good morning beautiful”
You’re not there
How can I be so connected to
someone I don’t know
How can your face be the one I see when I close my eyes
In your own way do you do the same?
Do you wish the women next to you
Was the woman you see in your dreams?
Do you daydream about the same woman everyday?
Do you pretend you’re with her?
Do you know she’s me?
See all the things we do?
You know every detail of my body
Every detail of my face
You know what scares me
And what makes me happy
Can you hear me laugh at your stupid jokes?
Can you feel me when we’re in the same place?
Sometimes I wish I was just crazy
I wish someone would just lock me away
Give me drugs to make me forget
What I’m missing
And why my heart aches
Because I don’t know you
I don’t know where you are
And I feel like we’ve passed each other by
I feel like you were my one chance for happy
And without you
I’ll never have it
Because I’m not good
I don’t get to keep you
And because I’m so fucked up
I will never have any of those things I see in my mind
And we will both die
Unhappy without the other half of our soul
Again, I’m ruined someone else’s happy
And I’m sorry I ruined your happy
I’m sorry I ruined our happy
Maybe one day….

Dear Chester

I wanted to write something for awhile, but the words really never came to me. The sudden death of Chester Bennington has really affected me, more than I ever thought it would. As many of my same aged peers, I fell in love with Linkin Park when they came out. The second I heard that scream, I knew he was a kindred soul. Chester expelled demons unlike anyone I know. Without ever knowing him, he instantly understood me. So, to help with my grief in this, I decided to write him a letter, thanking him and telling him all the things I would have liked to tell him in person, had I been given the chance.

Dear Chester,

I know you don’t know me
But your soul touched mine
More than you could have ever known
When I first heard you scream through my speakers
I felt you expelling your demons
As I listened
I understood
And knew there was hope
Because if you could do it
Then so could I
I wished more than anything that
I could let my demons out like you
The pain you were in is familiar to me
I walk that trail of tears and excruciating inner pain everyday
I hear when you sing, that you walk the same trail
Your words were like smiles as we walked together
You’re words were you reaching out for my hand
Helping me keep going when I didn’t want to.
You pulled me out of each hole I fell into
All I had to do was turn on your music
And you were there
Once again, holding me while I cried
I’m envious of you
I wish I could release my demons like you
I wish I could be in a place that I could make some sense of it
But knowing how you suffered and how alike our pain is
You taking your own life
It only makes me realize that it IS that bad
Our pain IS that bad
A piece of each of our hearts left with you that morning
You take a piece of each soul you touched
And in turn, we get to keep the pieces you gave us
I’m jealous your pain is gone now
And now you can be free and happy
I know some people may see it as weak
But I know we both know different
We both know how strong we REALLY are
Because we fight our own minds everyday
You are strong and brave
You are loved and honored
Thank you for saving me
Thank you for giving me hope
Thank you for knowing exactly how I feel
There will never be another you

Love,
Jenn

 

Frozen

link

I just stand there
I just fucking stand there
Letting that damn water burn my face
And all I can do is stand there
Head right under that water
Running down my hair and face like a waterfall
Water so hot, it almost blisters my skin
I’m frozen
Skin fire red from standing not able to move
But I don’t even notice
All I can do is hold myself up
Only sounds are my silent screams
Silent screams, almost ripping the corners of my mouth
Aching to get out
I can’t seem to open my mouth wide enough for what needs to get out
While the tears ran down my face like
Blood gushing from a fresh wound
In the dark, standing still, I let that water rush over my body
Each new drop of hot water feels like a razor
Scraping itself across every surface of my vulnerable skin
Most days, I can ignore those screams
I can hold them in
But some days they hit me like a bulldozer, trying to level me
Most days I’m able to hide it
I’ve become the best little liar you’ll ever know
But, I’d rather say I’m good at faking it
Today, I can’t run, I can’t hide
Someone needs me to be strong, to be wise
He counts on me for everything
How can I admit I don’t really know what to do?
I don’t want to admit I don’t know what to do
Each new decision weighs 1000 pounds
Each new obstacle seems too daunting and horrific
I can’t live in “why’s” or “what if’s” but
Fuck
Some days those questions
Suffocate me so much, it’s all I can do to breathe

One Chance

By Whit

Rushing up
Running to the darkness

Meet me there
See my scars
See my bitter bleeding heart
And give me one more start

Show me hope
Show me love
Show me just how good life can be
And give me a new start

I want to live
See it all
Experience life
Please God
Give me a new start

Pierce my soul
See my secrets
And love me anyways

Just give me.

-W

 

Semi-Conscious

By Whit

And on the edge of my sanity
It all comes back to me
In the semi-conscious state of mind
between wake and sleep.

The memories rushing in
clear and hazy, defined and distorted all at once
Threatening to take hold and never let go.

I toss and turn, punch and kick,
whimper and silently scream
fighting myself.

Taste of fear and blood and violence
the feel of smooth betrayal done
on the semi-conscious.

I hear the soft click of a lock
hushed malevolent whispers
I hear rumbling laughter at my expense.

Oblivion sets in for a spell
then I hear them again before unconsciousness
steals my reactions from me.

I wake from my drug induced sleep
take in fully my naked vulnerability
The voice of a friend, A FRIEND, who is the leader
in this crime against my body.

No oblivion comes to hinder
my possible fight to protect and preserve
I turn my head and find again my voice.

A throat parched with horror croaks out
a trying scream
Male laughter mixed with confusion.

A deep breath, I scream
with all the might of desperation
All I know is the scream.

Strangers pour into the room
my girlfriend comes and runs them off
She picks me up and dresses me.

I’m late getting home, find my knife,
I’ll kill them myself
WHO DID THIS TO ME?

Cut off from all emotional acknowledgement
in my waking hours
I build the walls around the nightmare.

There is no denying what it is,
what I feel, semi-conscious
In the time between wake and sleep.

Hurt, shame, betrayal, rage, and suffering
all aimed at myself
But I felt no pity.

Heart clutching fear, seeing my friend
on the street, at the fair
Ice cold panic courses my veins.

-W

Image from: india.com

link

By Jenn

Missing you comes at me in waves
Brutally crashing against my face
I’ll tell my mind to stop, but it never behaves
Looking for ways to keep that memory safe, beautiful in our secret place

Most days the waves are kind and small
Your words run through my mind, keeping me in a silent purgatory
Your voice thickens the air around me, making me stumble and fall
Your promise echos in my ear saying “hey, let me tell you a story”

I know it’s wrong, I know you’re wrong
But that doesn’t stop my mind from replaying your breath dancing off the back of my neck
It was so safe and warm and happy knowing you were there all along
But now the ache of your absence brings a fear I can’t seem to check

Missing you comes at me in waves
Should we finally lay our heads in those self-induced graves
Always connected together forever for all of those who tore us apart to see
And then maybe, just maybe they will finally let us be