….

so yesterday was my first therapy session dealing with my abusive ex boyfriend

something i thought i had dealt with.

i thought i’d moved past him and that it didn’t affect me.

i came home and slept all day.

i almost couldn’t move or think or talk,

all i could do was stare.

i don’t want to admit that what he did still causes me so much pain.

why can’t i just eliminate it from my brain all together,

like he never happened.

the idea of him makes my skin crawl.

i’m so mad he still has so much control over me.

i can’t enjoy compliments from a nice man because he told me i’m worthless.

i don’t let anyone touch me

because he told me to thank his mom for teaching him right

because i deserved to have the shit beat out of me daily.

how lucky i was that he was a “good man” and only did it once in awhile.

he told me my life was nothing without him.

i sat on my knees watching him show me how empty i was without him,

taking all the “happy” family pictures off the walls,

because without him, none of those moments would have happened.

the smell of bud light and blue moon make me sick to my stomach,

that’s what he drank daily and when he’d come home,

he’d force himself on me with beer stained breath, slobbering all over my body

and i’d lay like a dead fish, just waiting for him to be done and pass out.

he said fucking me was like fucking an empty pillowcase,

hollow and empty because that’s what i’d become inside.

no one helped, no one said anything.

i did everything physically possible to make myself less attractive

i stopped taking care of myself, but it didn’t work.

i got on my knees every night begging god to take him away from me,

but there is no god and i’m just a silly stupid girl who believed someone loved me.

no one cared enough to notice the circles under my eyes or the fear on my face.

he threatened to have me killed because he had ties to the mexican mafia,

threatened to slash my tires so i couldn’t go anywhere,

used my child as a weapon to keep me around,

said no one would want my child, let alone want me.

when your longest relationship was an abusive one,

you don’t really have a road map for a healthy one.

so i search for men that are similar to him and i find them.

i let myself be swallowed by men who don’t really love me

and fear the ones who might actually love me right.

i’ll look for every reason that good man isn’t for me.

i can think of a million and one reasons why he’s too good for me,

because i don’t deserve happy ever after.

i don’t know how to do healthy,

but i’m learning.

and one day, i’ll deserve happy ever after.

 

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Him

Him

By Jenn

when i say id give him my heart i mean id cut it out place it in a jar & write his name in gold glitter. id shave my body to make myself clean. just for him id scrap my skin off to clean the touch of anyone who isn’t him off my flesh. so when he touches me its like hes the first and only person to touch me and my body is his and his alone. then not one other soul has touched me but him. id tie myself up and let him devour every inch of me until my body only screams his name. if i could turn my skin inside out for him id want him to live inside me forever i would let him reside in my thigh make him a little bed and walk around with him sleeping in between my legs. when he wakes up he stretches then reaches up to take a drink from his favorite fountain that resides inside my vagina. my vagina it is his favorite smell. it’s his favorite feeling and being inside of me makes him feel like he’s descended to heaven and he sits on a gold throne thats reserved for god. when he says he loves me my whole body jerks. i would do anything to hear him say that again. i would wrestle every demon he had while he battles mine. his kiss tastes like sunshine and reminds me of summers on my grandpas farm. it’s hot and fresh and i can spin in it until i fall on the ground. his hands mold to my body like they were made to fit only me. our kisses move mountains and everyone should kiss like that. the magic that sparks when we touch ignites the world and can make the world sigh in unison wishing they knew that kind of love. youre right baby it must be me falling in love. why couldnt i realize it when i still had you

 

 

If Stevie Nicks was my real mom

If Stevie Nicks Was My Real Mom

By Jenn

if stevie nicks was my mom
my life would be so much better
i’d learn how to be magic
and how to dance
i’d learn what romance is
and how to fall in love
i’d feel love from her everyday
because i’d be her world
i would dress like her
and raid her closets for all her “witchy” dresses
i would put on her boots
and dance and float around the house
trying to be just like her
she would smile and take a million pictures
that she’d put all over the house and show all her friends
she teach me about life
and how to follow my dreams
she’d make me feel special every second of my life
she would hug me and hold my hand
and i’d never be uncomfortable being touched
because we bonded the instant she first held me
and kissed me all over my little baby body
she would sing me to sleep
by singing “landslide” or “rhiannon”
because she knew they were my favorite
she would teach me poetry
and how to speak my mind
she would teach me to stand in my own truth
and how to be a strong women
she’s let me dream
and tell me i can do whatever i want to do
she’d make me lavender tea
and we’d sit in our beautiful white dresses
by the pool drinking tea and eating cucumber sandwiches
she’d love her grandkids because they came from me
then she’d brag about the fact they look just like her
i would feel safe and loved
not one day would go by
that i didn’t know my mom loved me
i’d call her everyday
because we’d be best friends
i’d tell her everything
she’d keep all my secrets
i’d keep all her stories and wisdom tucked deep down
to pass on to my kids who look just like her
because whatever she’s made of
i want to be made of too

 

Sunshine and Lilacs

Sunshine and Lilacs

By Jenn

In my mind
I see her there
Tall, grey and purple
The light around her is purple
Her aura emotes sunshine and purple rays of love
Maybe that’s why it’s my favorite color
She smells like sunshine
Like my skin smells when I come in from too much sun
The smell of sweat, hot and fresh
Like just cut grass
When I smell my own skin
The image of her comes to me
That’s all it takes to bring her back
I hear her voice echoing in my ears
I smell the fresh lilacs that
Remind me that her dress is
The purple shade of the lilac buds
That use to grow across the street
And as she spins to the music she sings
That purple dress, her hair, her arms
Float like leaves in the fall breeze
Her dress turns into the purple lilacs
I put on my grandmother’s grave last week
And as she spins, I smell purple and sunshine
The new purple and white lilacs become her legs
And they float in the summer breeze
It makes me feel safe
And I’m right back to being that little girl
Wrapped up in a image I made up in my mind
Her voice is soft and quite
With a sharp emphasis on t’s and d’s
She tells me about the trees
And how they are my friends
Then she reaches out and
Her arm floats out to touch the leaves above my head
“This is how life starts, darling” she says
With that she brings her hand back
Her soft, small hand reaches out for my hand
If I put my hand in hers
She will take me away
Away from all the fighting and screaming
Away from being alone

Hey guys!

Hey all!

Sorry we’ve been away for awhile. Life gets ya by the balls sometimes, right? So I’m (jenn) going to post some of the shit I’ve been working on. I’m in the process of writing a chapbook and working on formalizing some new poems for an honors project for school as well. So let me or Whit know if you have any questions. Most post will be mine as Whit is going through some shit that’s keeping her mind and time busy most days. She will get back soon.

Kisses

Jenn

Ode to those who know what’s best for my body

I’m so glad you’re around
What would I do without you?
I mean,
I might make a decision about my body
Without your input
I mean,
What if I decide I didn’t ever want a baby
You know, like ever
But still wanted to have sex
With men I’m not married to
Or if I decided I needed to protect myself
From an unwanted pregnancy
Because of all sex with men I’m not married to
Or maybe I decided I didn’t want
That STD you’ll most likely give me
Or maybe I need a pap smear
I’m glad you’re offering to do it for me
And close Planned Parenthood
Because, let’s be real here
Who needs affordable health care anyway
Because you know,
I’m just a woman
How could I ever know what I want
It’s not like I have my own mind
It’s not like I take my own
Bloody tampons out every month
How would I know how to do that
Without you, Mr. Vice President Pence
How the fuck did I ever get
Through my teen years
Without you telling me
I couldn’t have sex
Or kiss that pretty girl
I would have never known that was all wrong
Because you’re the end all be all right?
You’re America’s god right?
You know what’s best
Based on what you read in your
Overly translated book
So is your bible the first edition
Or is it the one “translated” from english to bigot
Is it the version that tells you that
God is the final judge
Or is it the one that tells you
That “christians” are the judges
Is it the one that tells you Jesus hung with whores
Or maybe it’s the one that tells you all women ARE whores
Do you follow the Old Testament?
Or the New?
Because I’d like to judge you, Mr. Pence
Cause your hair is cut
And you didn’t sacrifice a white lamb on a hill to please god
Ya know,
I might just might be one of those “liberals”
You know the ones that “whine”
Because our candidate didn’t win
Because we got hurt?
Ya know,
The ones that just want everyone to have
Equal rights and opportunities
Ya know,
Those liberals who march against violence,
March FOR human rights
I mean,
How fucking dare we
Ya know,
Those things you and the administration are against

It’s ok Mr President
We see through you too
We know you’re just a
Racist piece of shit
Who can’t tell his
Head from his ass
Now aren’t you…good boy..
Keep jumping for Putin
We all know, Mr. Trump
How much of a bigot you are
We see through you and your “covfefe”
Sieg Heil to you Mr. Trump
Oh you don’t know?
That’s how Nazi’s saluted Hitler

 

Fairy tales we tell ourselves

Fairy tales we tell ourselves

By Jenn

I stand there silent
Wrapping my empty arms around my own body
When he comes behind me
Catches me before I fall
Wrapping his strong arms around me
Engulfing me in safety
Holding me up so
I don’t collapse on the ground
All I can do is shake with each sob
Silent screams coming from my mouth
Holding myself up against the wall

But he’s not really there
He’s in my mind
He’s the man I need
The man I see in my dreams
He’s the one who fixes all the broken
He fits the hole in my heart
He was made just for me
Like a tailor-made pair of gloves
He just fits

His eyes are cerulean as the sky
I want to stare into them for hours
The whites of his eyes;
Those are the fluffy clouds
I want to lay down and stay forever
His arms are strong and firm
And I relax into them because he’s home
I could trace each vein
In his sculpted arms
I could mold a beautiful sculpture
Of his chiseled chest
Because my hands remember every curve
His back so strong
He catches me when I fall
And carries me through life with him

I know him
Like the lines of my own palm
And he holds me like
He was made to hold me
He fits into me like a puzzle piece
He was only created to love me
And he’s looked his whole life for me

We both stumbled through each lifetime
Looking for the synchronicity
We knew in each other
When our eyes meet,
We know instantly
We’ve found home
All the struggles we walked through
To find each other
Melt like butter
On warm bread just out of the oven

His voice is like holy angels
Singing hallelujahs in my ears
His breath
His skin
His laugh
His voice
All feel and taste like
The excitement of christmas morning
Sweet, warm and happy

He longs to wake up next to me
Watching the morning sunlight dance
Off my naked body
He loves to keep me warm his arms
He longs to
Trace the lines in my body
With his calloused, eager fingertips
He longs to kiss me goodnight
He craves to fall asleep
Resting his beautiful head
On my chest
With the rhythm of my heart singing him to sleep
His heart beats
The syllables of my name
And it’s my favorite rhythm
The way his name dances off my lips
Just happens to be his favorite song
One that only his soul can hear
My laughter dances in his ears
And makes everything seem better
He’s looked for me his whole life
And the thought of not loving me
Makes his breath harden
And his heart stop beating

I want to fall asleep
To the feeling of his warm exhales
Stirring the fine hairs of my neck
I want to feel his hands wrap around me
His strong, defined, scruffy chin
Tickling my back
As he kisses a trail of love down my spine
I long to be able to laugh with him
Hear his silly joke
Or see the silly smirk on his face
All things he does
Just so he can make me laugh

I want to see the depths of his heart
And be the only one he cries in front of
I want him to be
The first call I make
When things are bad
And to be the first call I make
When things are good
My body craves
Hearing his voice sing my name
He’s an addiction I don’t wanta kick

When we make love
Our bodies disappear into each other
This is our most beautiful song
It’s the sound of the love we make
When our bodies are one
Each thrust keeping time
Like a well played drum solo
The aching sounds we make
When our heads lean back
In the ecstasy we feel
Just being together
Radiates against the walls surrounding us
And the heat from our bodies
Transmits throughout the room
As if we were
Standing directly on the sun

I see you
I feel you
And I wonder if you’re
Really longing for me
Do you remember I’m made for you
Or is this all just a silly fairy tale
I picked up from a Disney movie

So I’ll stay here
And I’ll look for you in every face I see
Until I’m finally in your arms
My love