Ruins

By Jenn

Most days when the dark is pulling at me
I can stay in my head
In my head, I can play pretend
And it all goes away
I see you and we’re together and happy
I’m not alone
I don’t know you but
You love me
And I love you
I can hear all the things you’d say to me
to make me feel better
I can smell your skin
your breath
Your sweet, delicious breath
Smelling of coffee whiskey and cigarettes
I can feel your arms wrap around me
As you softly sing a new song
Serenading me
Your voice angelic and harsh at the same time
When you let go you
Leave traces of your smell in my neck and clothes
I can feel your kiss on my ear
Tingling chills down my spine
I don’t mind though
because in my mind
you really could love me
In my reality
you never will
So
I walk through my day playing pretend in my head
I pretend you make jokes with me
I pretend you are here
I watch us making dinner
See us laughing at our favorite show
Being romantic
While dancing in the kitchen
To whatever new song we’re singing to each other
I fall asleep in your arms
I wake up warm still in your arms
Safe content and loved
It’s easier to live there then to live here
Here
you don’t know I exist
you don’t know we’re connected
like a string that’s attached to each of our hearts
That pulls us both to each other
But never breaks
no matter how hard we both try
See it what keeps us connected
When I wake up
and you aren’t there
I wonder if maybe I’m crazy
I’m alone
I’m cold and sad
I’m still me
Plain simple horrible old me
I never fell asleep in your arms
I don’t roll over to see your eyes flicker to see me awake
glimmering with love
And excitement just being next to me
I can’t feel your breath in my ear saying
“good morning beautiful”
You’re not there
How can I be so connected to
someone I don’t know
How can your face be the one I see when I close my eyes
In your own way do you do the same?
Do you wish the women next to you
Was the woman you see in your dreams?
Do you daydream about the same woman everyday?
Do you pretend you’re with her?
Do you know she’s me?
See all the things we do?
You know every detail of my body
Every detail of my face
You know what scares me
And what makes me happy
Can you hear me laugh at your stupid jokes?
Can you feel me when we’re in the same place?
Sometimes I wish I was just crazy
I wish someone would just lock me away
Give me drugs to make me forget
What I’m missing
And why my heart aches
Because I don’t know you
I don’t know where you are
And I feel like we’ve passed each other by
I feel like you were my one chance for happy
And without you
I’ll never have it
Because I’m not good
I don’t get to keep you
And because I’m so fucked up
I will never have any of those things I see in my mind
And we will both die
Unhappy without the other half of our soul
Again, I’m ruined someone else’s happy
And I’m sorry I ruined your happy
I’m sorry I ruined our happy
Maybe one day….

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Frozen

inshower
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I just stand there
I just fucking stand there
Letting that damn water burn my face
And all I can do is stand there
Head right under that water
Running down my hair and face like a waterfall
Water so hot, it almost blisters my skin
I’m frozen
Skin fire red from standing not able to move
But I don’t even notice
All I can do is hold myself up
Only sounds are my silent screams
Silent screams, almost ripping the corners of my mouth
Aching to get out
I can’t seem to open my mouth wide enough for what needs to get out
While the tears ran down my face like
Blood gushing from a fresh wound
In the dark, standing still, I let that water rush over my body
Each new drop of hot water feels like a razor
Scraping itself across every surface of my vulnerable skin
Most days, I can ignore those screams
I can hold them in
But some days they hit me like a bulldozer, trying to level me
Most days I’m able to hide it
I’ve become the best little liar you’ll ever know
But, I’d rather say I’m good at faking it
Today, I can’t run, I can’t hide
Someone needs me to be strong, to be wise
He counts on me for everything
How can I admit I don’t really know what to do?
I don’t want to admit I don’t know what to do
Each new decision weighs 1000 pounds
Each new obstacle seems too daunting and horrific
I can’t live in “why’s” or “what if’s” but
Fuck
Some days those questions
Suffocate me so much, it’s all I can do to breathe