To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t

To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t
Jenn Stall

I saw you
I saw you standing there looking at me
Trying to hide the lust in your eyes
Your eyes scanning my body
Like a human metal detector
You butch, beautiful, sexy woman
I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling
But I knew I wanted your hands on me
I knew I wanted you to kiss me
To have the heat from your mouth
Warm me up and make my body sing
But I knew I hated you
Because I wanted you
I didn’t really know what was happening
I saw your disappointment in me
When I’d leave with someone you don’t like
I didn’t know how to talk to you
So I ran
And ran to a boy who didn’t
Even begin to look at me like you did
I saw your ache for me to be sober
When I’d show up to work stoned
Or leave with the fellow pothead boy
Who only wanted one thing
But I did know you wanted
That same thing from me
You wanted to rip my clothes off
And eat me alive
Wanted to hear me scream your name
But wanted it to be real and loving
Not just a one time “roll in the hay”
You wanted to worship my body
And play it like a fine piano
Stroking every key to
Create sweet music
You, you tomboy with your rollerblades
You made me feel
Where feelings didn’t usually set
I had never wanted a girl before
And you made my mind wander
When I found myself alone with you
In that walk-in freezer
At the sonic when you came to
Open the store where I worked
When you got close to me
So close I could smell your breath
I could see your breath speed up
Your chest rising and falling in hunger
And the cold I had felt
Was no longer cold
Only heat between you and me
But I think you were just as scared as I was
I think you were afraid to admit
You wanted me to
Did you have someone back home?
Did you not indulge in
Your thirst for pussy?
I felt it when you touched me
I felt it when you smiled at me
Your eyes danced with need
And longing for something
That you would never give yourself
Me…
I look back at that time
And I know now exactly what it was
I wanted you for you
I wanted to let our bodies
Become one
I wanted to taste you
Every time I go to that Sonic
In Cheyenne
I wonder if you’re still there
Wait for you to come skating out
So I can run up to you and finally hold you
Maybe you will finally admit it
Maybe you had dreams of me too
And maybe you were my one
But I didn’t know what loving a girl meant
I couldn’t admit I wanted a girl
I’m sorry I let you go

 

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Make Believe

dead rose

 

By Jenn

  • There once was this little girl
    Who sat alone in the dark
    Wishing she was anyone but who she really was
  • There once was this little girl
    Who made up her own little world
    Safe in her little blue room
    She twirled, she spun, she sang then she’d bow
    And all the pretend people cheered
  • There once was this little girl
    Who just needed someone to love her, though she didn’t know that’s what she needed
    She searched her whole little life, looking to fill a void
    Searching for that one little place that she felt truly safe
    Somewhere she could just be her happy little self
  • There once was this little girl
    Who lived inside this big girl, with big dreams
    But both girls were filled with fear, self doubt
  • But one day there was this boy
    Who instantly understood that little girl and made her laugh harder than anyone else
    He was kind, handsome and full of life
    With his crooked smile, dimples and his crooked way of looking at life
    He was everything she didn’t know she needed
  • One day this boy showed this girl what life could be like
    They fit together like puzzle pieces
    Making a beautiful picture full of color, love, laughter and sunshine
    The thing is, when you’re a broken little girl
    You always think love comes with strings
  • There once was a girl who fell for
    A boy who didn’t expect anything from her
    Who looked at her like she was magic and made her feel safe
    Who made her laugh and smile harder than anyone else
    But instead of letting him love her, she pushed him down and ran away
  • So that little girl lost her handsome prince
    Because who wants to love someone who doesn’t know what that means
    Now she sits in her room, imagining
    Playing pretend in her head to fill the void
    Knowing she would never feel that safe or happy again