Frozen

inshower
link

I just stand there
I just fucking stand there
Letting that damn water burn my face
And all I can do is stand there
Head right under that water
Running down my hair and face like a waterfall
Water so hot, it almost blisters my skin
I’m frozen
Skin fire red from standing not able to move
But I don’t even notice
All I can do is hold myself up
Only sounds are my silent screams
Silent screams, almost ripping the corners of my mouth
Aching to get out
I can’t seem to open my mouth wide enough for what needs to get out
While the tears ran down my face like
Blood gushing from a fresh wound
In the dark, standing still, I let that water rush over my body
Each new drop of hot water feels like a razor
Scraping itself across every surface of my vulnerable skin
Most days, I can ignore those screams
I can hold them in
But some days they hit me like a bulldozer, trying to level me
Most days I’m able to hide it
I’ve become the best little liar you’ll ever know
But, I’d rather say I’m good at faking it
Today, I can’t run, I can’t hide
Someone needs me to be strong, to be wise
He counts on me for everything
How can I admit I don’t really know what to do?
I don’t want to admit I don’t know what to do
Each new decision weighs 1000 pounds
Each new obstacle seems too daunting and horrific
I can’t live in “why’s” or “what if’s” but
Fuck
Some days those questions
Suffocate me so much, it’s all I can do to breathe

Make Believe

dead rose

 

By Jenn

  • There once was this little girl
    Who sat alone in the dark
    Wishing she was anyone but who she really was
  • There once was this little girl
    Who made up her own little world
    Safe in her little blue room
    She twirled, she spun, she sang then she’d bow
    And all the pretend people cheered
  • There once was this little girl
    Who just needed someone to love her, though she didn’t know that’s what she needed
    She searched her whole little life, looking to fill a void
    Searching for that one little place that she felt truly safe
    Somewhere she could just be her happy little self
  • There once was this little girl
    Who lived inside this big girl, with big dreams
    But both girls were filled with fear, self doubt
  • But one day there was this boy
    Who instantly understood that little girl and made her laugh harder than anyone else
    He was kind, handsome and full of life
    With his crooked smile, dimples and his crooked way of looking at life
    He was everything she didn’t know she needed
  • One day this boy showed this girl what life could be like
    They fit together like puzzle pieces
    Making a beautiful picture full of color, love, laughter and sunshine
    The thing is, when you’re a broken little girl
    You always think love comes with strings
  • There once was a girl who fell for
    A boy who didn’t expect anything from her
    Who looked at her like she was magic and made her feel safe
    Who made her laugh and smile harder than anyone else
    But instead of letting him love her, she pushed him down and ran away
  • So that little girl lost her handsome prince
    Because who wants to love someone who doesn’t know what that means
    Now she sits in her room, imagining
    Playing pretend in her head to fill the void
    Knowing she would never feel that safe or happy again

 

Glass Jars

heart

By Jenn

Hey, you wanta know what I’m good at?

I’m good at hiding
I’m good at pulling away
I’m good at being pushed aside
I’m good at being unlovable
I’m good at not needing anyone
I’m pretty good at not feeling

You wanta know what I’m not good at?

You….
I’m not good at you
Your dark, twisty evil beautiful
I’m not good at this
Whatever “this” is
I’m not good at playing games
I’m not good at “happy”

But I’m pretty sure neither are you!

You play it cool…so fucking cool
Wait no, you play it like a bitch
Like a little bitch pawing at bigger bitches
To keep you feeling like a “man”
Like you just wanta be cool with me
Like you’re scared to loose me
But then you play it like you don’t give a fuck
But then you are quick to say you’re sorry
When I say fuck it, fuck you, fuck this
You’re scared to lose me
You’re a contradiction
You can’t play both sides, man

So which are you?

Are you that kind soul
The beautiful, sensitive soul
I see when I look in your eyes?
You seem to see that in me
I see it
I see the way you look at me,
How can you act like you’re so demented
When you look at someone like that?
Are you a timid man who’s afraid to do the wrong thing?
Are you a man who feels like your soul is ripped out?

Or are you the badass you want me to think you are?
Are you the the man who says “fuck you” to the world?
Or are you the dumb fuck who stabs everyone you care about?

I don’t think you’re either
I think you’re a shell of a man
Washed up along that trail you like to walk
High in the mountains
You’re a muddy, bloody mess
With your heart tucked neatly in your pocket
Making everyone pay for HER mistakes
That. Bitch’s. Mistakes

When you pulled your heart out of your chest
Did you have a sick and twisted smile
Did you hold it up for everyone to see
Hoping to make everyone run
Did you get off on it pulsating through your hand
Did your dick get hard watching everyone run from you
Did you get off watching
That beautiful heart still pounding,
Dripping blood
Did you laugh as it ran down your arm
The tighter you squeeze the more you enjoyed it
Are you just waiting,
Waiting for someone to come along
Who’s dark enough to lick your hands clean

What you don’t know is
I’m that person
That person who could lick your hands clean
My mouth would curl up in a smile
Enjoying each crimson tear running down your arm
Licking, sucking like I was giving you
The best blow job you’ve ever had
A small giggle would escape my throat
When your moans turn into cries of ecstasy exploding
Harder than any other girl ever has or will again

What you don’t get is
I’ve cut open my own chest
To let the air in
Because I couldn’t breath
What you don’t know is
I’ve laid on the cold bathroom tile
With a cold razor in my hand
I’ve bled on my floor more than you
Watching each stream of blood
As it formed my silent tears on my tiles
I’ve cut out everything that feels
I’ve cut my wrists, my legs, my soul
What you don’t know is
My soul sits in a glass jar
Cause I vomited it into my hands
To hold in the sobs of panic and hurt
With a smile on my face
What you don’t know is
My dark is darker than yours, darling
My bloody pieces are all bottled up in glass jars
Hiding from you,
All lined up
Displayed like fine china
Waiting for you to come find them
Rearrange them
And put them back again

But I’m pretty sure you can’t handle it

So you see
Your dark isn’t too much for me
My dark is too much for you
Don’t be mad because my shiny case
Is more sparkly and organized than yours