Cigarettes will kill you, ya know

By Jenn

You’re like a cigarette
One of those reeeeallly GOOD cigarettes
Like a menthol one
They were always my favorite
But anyway
You, you know the ones
Those Menthol smokes all inviting
Smelling good
They make your whole chest warm
Or maybe you’re like
One of those long old lady cigarettes
You know,
Those old ladies that smoke the long skinny cigarettes
Judging everyone as they walk by
Holdin their smokes all classy like
Like they just stepped out of an Audrey Hepburn movie or somethin’
Like they’re better than you because their smokes are long and skinny
Inhaling like it’s a lost art
Blowing out like they
Just had the best orgasim of their lives
Or maybe you’re a cheap cigarette
You know the ones
Those ones we use to buy
When we had to scrap together pennies between us
Just to go to the liquor store
Just to buy one pack of smokes for 6 people
I’m pretty sure you’re not an expensive cigarette
Although they’re all expensive now
No wait, you’re like a clove cigarette
Remember those Prime Times
You know those ones that leave
Your lips tasting like berries or vanilla or mint
Those cloves have a smell like freedom
They smell like sunshine
They smell like snow storms
They smell like you
They smell like friday nights
Sitting on the couch with you
Playing video games and smoking weed
I like those ones
They make me think of us at that little house
Crazy kids
In your car
That giant car
You know the one with the giant hood?
They make me think of you sleeping on the floor
Just to be next to me
Me on the couch
You on the floor
You use to be a gentleman
Because neither of us paid rent or actually “lived” there
But really we slept like that because all the beds were taken
But you know what really reminds me of you
The smell of those camels 99’s
Or maybe the smell of bud light
Or maybe even the smell of the fresh residue
That we scraped out to smoke
No but I think I’d like you better as a memory
One I’d like to keep
Because if you stay as a memory
I can’t be hurt by you
I can’t be mad at you for walking away
I want to keep you safe
2 kids
Sitting on the couch on a friday night
Playing that dumb video game
You know that one
The one with the bunny named jenny
The only game I could beat you at
Remember she spun and turned into a bunny
Anyway,
Because in that 1 room house
Nothing’s happened
You haven’t touched me
You haven’t held me
I haven’t felt your breath against my neck
I haven’t listened to your heartbeat through your chest
And I didn’t notice how you looked at me
And I didn’t feel butterflies when you looked at me
I didn’t even know you looked at me
You look at me like maybe I was magic
You have since day one haven’t you
I can’t be mad at myself for not seeing it
Because I didn’t see it
You see?

Dear Chester

chester-3

I wanted to write something for awhile, but the words really never came to me. The sudden death of Chester Bennington has really affected me, more than I ever thought it would. As many of my same aged peers, I fell in love with Linkin Park when they came out. The second I heard that scream, I knew he was a kindred soul. Chester expelled demons unlike anyone I know. Without ever knowing him, he instantly understood me. So, to help with my grief in this, I decided to write him a letter, thanking him and telling him all the things I would have liked to tell him in person, had I been given the chance.

Dear Chester,

I know you don’t know me
But your soul touched mine
More than you could have ever known
When I first heard you scream through my speakers
I felt you expelling your demons
As I listened
I understood
And knew there was hope
Because if you could do it
Then so could I
I wished more than anything that
I could let my demons out like you
The pain you were in is familiar to me
I walk that trail of tears and excruciating inner pain everyday
I hear when you sing, that you walk the same trail
Your words were like smiles as we walked together
You’re words were you reaching out for my hand
Helping me keep going when I didn’t want to.
You pulled me out of each hole I fell into
All I had to do was turn on your music
And you were there
Once again, holding me while I cried
I’m envious of you
I wish I could release my demons like you
I wish I could be in a place that I could make some sense of it
But knowing how you suffered and how alike our pain is
You taking your own life
It only makes me realize that it IS that bad
Our pain IS that bad
A piece of each of our hearts left with you that morning
You take a piece of each soul you touched
And in turn, we get to keep the pieces you gave us
I’m jealous your pain is gone now
And now you can be free and happy
I know some people may see it as weak
But I know we both know different
We both know how strong we REALLY are
Because we fight our own minds everyday
You are strong and brave
You are loved and honored
Thank you for saving me
Thank you for giving me hope
Thank you for knowing exactly how I feel
There will never be another you

Love,
Jenn

 

Frozen

inshower
link

I just stand there
I just fucking stand there
Letting that damn water burn my face
And all I can do is stand there
Head right under that water
Running down my hair and face like a waterfall
Water so hot, it almost blisters my skin
I’m frozen
Skin fire red from standing not able to move
But I don’t even notice
All I can do is hold myself up
Only sounds are my silent screams
Silent screams, almost ripping the corners of my mouth
Aching to get out
I can’t seem to open my mouth wide enough for what needs to get out
While the tears ran down my face like
Blood gushing from a fresh wound
In the dark, standing still, I let that water rush over my body
Each new drop of hot water feels like a razor
Scraping itself across every surface of my vulnerable skin
Most days, I can ignore those screams
I can hold them in
But some days they hit me like a bulldozer, trying to level me
Most days I’m able to hide it
I’ve become the best little liar you’ll ever know
But, I’d rather say I’m good at faking it
Today, I can’t run, I can’t hide
Someone needs me to be strong, to be wise
He counts on me for everything
How can I admit I don’t really know what to do?
I don’t want to admit I don’t know what to do
Each new decision weighs 1000 pounds
Each new obstacle seems too daunting and horrific
I can’t live in “why’s” or “what if’s” but
Fuck
Some days those questions
Suffocate me so much, it’s all I can do to breathe

One Chance

By Whit

Rushing up
Running to the darkness

Meet me there
See my scars
See my bitter bleeding heart
And give me one more start

Show me hope
Show me love
Show me just how good life can be
And give me a new start

I want to live2017-07-23 19_53_15-Whitney L Morgan
See it all
Experience life
Please God
Give me a new start

Pierce my soul
See my secrets
And love me anyways

Just give me.

-W

 

Semi-Conscious

By Whit

And on the edge of my sanity
It all comes back to me
In the semi-conscious state of mind
between wake and sleep.

The memories rushing in
clear and hazy, defined and distorted all at once
Threatening to take hold and never let go.

I toss and turn, punch and kick,
whimper and silently scream
fighting myself.

Taste of fear and blood and violence
the feel of smooth betrayal done
on the semi-conscious.

I hear the soft click of a lock
hushed malevolent whispers
I hear rumbling laughter at my expense.

Oblivion sets in for a spell
then I hear them again before unconsciousness
steals my reactions from me.

I wake from my drug induced sleep
take in fully my naked vulnerability
The voice of a friend, A FRIEND, who is the leader
in this crime against my body.

No oblivion comes to hinder
my possible fight to protect and preserve
I turn my head and find again my voice.

A throat parched with horror croaks out
a trying scream
Male laughter mixed with confusion.

A deep breath, I scream
with all the might of desperation
All I know is the scream.

Strangers pour into the room
my girlfriend comes and runs them off
She picks me up and dresses me.

I’m late getting home, find my knife,
I’ll kill them myself
WHO DID THIS TO ME?

Cut off from all emotional acknowledgement
in my waking hours
I build the walls around the nightmare.

There is no denying what it is,
what I feel, semi-conscious
In the time between wake and sleep.

Hurt, shame, betrayal, rage, and suffering
all aimed at myself
But I felt no pity.

Heart clutching fear, seeing my friend
on the street, at the fair
Ice cold panic courses my veins.

-W

rape44444

Image from: india.com

waves
link

By Jenn

Missing you comes at me in waves
Brutally crashing against my face
I’ll tell my mind to stop, but it never behaves
Looking for ways to keep that memory safe, beautiful in our secret place

Most days the waves are kind and small
Your words run through my mind, keeping me in a silent purgatory
Your voice thickens the air around me, making me stumble and fall
Your promise echos in my ear saying “hey, let me tell you a story”

I know it’s wrong, I know you’re wrong
But that doesn’t stop my mind from replaying your breath dancing off the back of my neck
It was so safe and warm and happy knowing you were there all along
But now the ache of your absence brings a fear I can’t seem to check

Missing you comes at me in waves
Should we finally lay our heads in those self-induced graves
Always connected together forever for all of those who tore us apart to see
And then maybe, just maybe they will finally let us be

My Room

By Whit

In the solitude of my small room

I read and write and dream of tomorrow.

I lock out the world of cruel reality

and fantasize of better or worse happenstance.

In my inconsequential room

I am free from society

free of insecurity and belittling.

I am free to listen to the music that I wish to hear

And can talk to friends and loves

who exist only in my writing

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I can express myself even if it makes no sense.

 

I can live and experience greater things in the freedom,

 

the solitude of my room, with child-like imagination.

 

Though I go out to reality and socialize, go with life;

I do my living in my room.