….

so yesterday was my first therapy session dealing with my abusive ex boyfriend

something i thought i had dealt with.

i thought i’d moved past him and that it didn’t affect me.

i came home and slept all day.

i almost couldn’t move or think or talk,

all i could do was stare.

i don’t want to admit that what he did still causes me so much pain.

why can’t i just eliminate it from my brain all together,

like he never happened.

the idea of him makes my skin crawl.

i’m so mad he still has so much control over me.

i can’t enjoy compliments from a nice man because he told me i’m worthless.

i don’t let anyone touch me

because he told me to thank his mom for teaching him right

because i deserved to have the shit beat out of me daily.

how lucky i was that he was a “good man” and only did it once in awhile.

he told me my life was nothing without him.

i sat on my knees watching him show me how empty i was without him,

taking all the “happy” family pictures off the walls,

because without him, none of those moments would have happened.

the smell of bud light and blue moon make me sick to my stomach,

that’s what he drank daily and when he’d come home,

he’d force himself on me with beer stained breath, slobbering all over my body

and i’d lay like a dead fish, just waiting for him to be done and pass out.

he said fucking me was like fucking an empty pillowcase,

hollow and empty because that’s what i’d become inside.

no one helped, no one said anything.

i did everything physically possible to make myself less attractive

i stopped taking care of myself, but it didn’t work.

i got on my knees every night begging god to take him away from me,

but there is no god and i’m just a silly stupid girl who believed someone loved me.

no one cared enough to notice the circles under my eyes or the fear on my face.

he threatened to have me killed because he had ties to the mexican mafia,

threatened to slash my tires so i couldn’t go anywhere,

used my child as a weapon to keep me around,

said no one would want my child, let alone want me.

when your longest relationship was an abusive one,

you don’t really have a road map for a healthy one.

so i search for men that are similar to him and i find them.

i let myself be swallowed by men who don’t really love me

and fear the ones who might actually love me right.

i’ll look for every reason that good man isn’t for me.

i can think of a million and one reasons why he’s too good for me,

because i don’t deserve happy ever after.

i don’t know how to do healthy,

but i’m learning.

and one day, i’ll deserve happy ever after.

 

Advertisements

Make Believe

dead rose

 

By Jenn

  • There once was this little girl
    Who sat alone in the dark
    Wishing she was anyone but who she really was
  • There once was this little girl
    Who made up her own little world
    Safe in her little blue room
    She twirled, she spun, she sang then she’d bow
    And all the pretend people cheered
  • There once was this little girl
    Who just needed someone to love her, though she didn’t know that’s what she needed
    She searched her whole little life, looking to fill a void
    Searching for that one little place that she felt truly safe
    Somewhere she could just be her happy little self
  • There once was this little girl
    Who lived inside this big girl, with big dreams
    But both girls were filled with fear, self doubt
  • But one day there was this boy
    Who instantly understood that little girl and made her laugh harder than anyone else
    He was kind, handsome and full of life
    With his crooked smile, dimples and his crooked way of looking at life
    He was everything she didn’t know she needed
  • One day this boy showed this girl what life could be like
    They fit together like puzzle pieces
    Making a beautiful picture full of color, love, laughter and sunshine
    The thing is, when you’re a broken little girl
    You always think love comes with strings
  • There once was a girl who fell for
    A boy who didn’t expect anything from her
    Who looked at her like she was magic and made her feel safe
    Who made her laugh and smile harder than anyone else
    But instead of letting him love her, she pushed him down and ran away
  • So that little girl lost her handsome prince
    Because who wants to love someone who doesn’t know what that means
    Now she sits in her room, imagining
    Playing pretend in her head to fill the void
    Knowing she would never feel that safe or happy again

 

Wait, who the hell are you?

Hey lovers!

So, we wanted to make sure we gave you a better intro into who we are. So, here’s more about me. I’m Jenn. I’m originally from Oregon, well, that’s what I claim. I was born there, so, really, I can. 🙂

My parents are both from Nebraska and moved us all back when I was young. I grew up in a traditional German/Russian home, although I didn’t know it was any different from yours because all my friends were all part of the culture as well, which says a lot about me. I’ve been through a lot and most of my life, I’ve detached from any feelings. I’m not good at them, really. So, as an adult, I’m finally learning what all those are, and I HATE it. How do you people go through life feelin things?! I don’t get y’all at all, I mean, really. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and had more life experience than most and the consequence of that is anxiety. I semi delight in my complex PTSD (repeat and prolonged traumas). It helps keep me safe, dark and allows me to dissociated, but also brings just as much sorrow. I’ve been in therapy a couple of years working on all the things that have happened and as I said above, I’m just learning to actually have feelings. It plows me over most days. I’m an all or nothing kinda girl, so either things are ok or they’re not. Sometimes I think I’m more in love with my darkness and sadness than the idea of actually being happy. I don’t understand things like when someone likes me, when someone really needs my help or anything having to do with connections with people.

I’m obsessed with boxing and it has been the best outlet I’ve ever found. There is nothing better than hitting a heavy bag or better yet, hitting those mitts with your trainer. 🙂 Finding Title Boxing has been the best thing I’ve ever done. 

My son is 15, I had him young. He was born with complications and was left severely disabled and developmentally around 2 years old. But please, don’t ever tell me “you must be super woman” because I might punch ya. Isaiah and I are a team, he’s my ride or die, only because he doesn’t really have a choice…haha. We love to travel, go to concerts, drive in the car and laugh. He’s got THE BEST laugh.

I can’t think of a better way to spend a weekend than binge watching Friends or Greys Anatomy. I have a super hard time staying away from salt. As I said before, I’m obsessed with boxing and go at least 6 times a week (shout out to Title Boxing ) I’m pretty obsessed with all things gangsta rap and can recite almost any Eminem song verbatim.

I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you, some recipes with you and maybe get to know you all as well.