Cigarettes will kill you, ya know

By Jenn

You’re like a cigarette
One of those reeeeallly GOOD cigarettes
Like a menthol one
They were always my favorite
But anyway
You, you know the ones
Those Menthol smokes all inviting
Smelling good
They make your whole chest warm
Or maybe you’re like
One of those long old lady cigarettes
You know,
Those old ladies that smoke the long skinny cigarettes
Judging everyone as they walk by
Holdin their smokes all classy like
Like they just stepped out of an Audrey Hepburn movie or somethin’
Like they’re better than you because their smokes are long and skinny
Inhaling like it’s a lost art
Blowing out like they
Just had the best orgasim of their lives
Or maybe you’re a cheap cigarette
You know the ones
Those ones we use to buy
When we had to scrap together pennies between us
Just to go to the liquor store
Just to buy one pack of smokes for 6 people
I’m pretty sure you’re not an expensive cigarette
Although they’re all expensive now
No wait, you’re like a clove cigarette
Remember those Prime Times
You know those ones that leave
Your lips tasting like berries or vanilla or mint
Those cloves have a smell like freedom
They smell like sunshine
They smell like snow storms
They smell like you
They smell like friday nights
Sitting on the couch with you
Playing video games and smoking weed
I like those ones
They make me think of us at that little house
Crazy kids
In your car
That giant car
You know the one with the giant hood?
They make me think of you sleeping on the floor
Just to be next to me
Me on the couch
You on the floor
You use to be a gentleman
Because neither of us paid rent or actually “lived” there
But really we slept like that because all the beds were taken
But you know what really reminds me of you
The smell of those camels 99’s
Or maybe the smell of bud light
Or maybe even the smell of the fresh residue
That we scraped out to smoke
No but I think I’d like you better as a memory
One I’d like to keep
Because if you stay as a memory
I can’t be hurt by you
I can’t be mad at you for walking away
I want to keep you safe
2 kids
Sitting on the couch on a friday night
Playing that dumb video game
You know that one
The one with the bunny named jenny
The only game I could beat you at
Remember she spun and turned into a bunny
Anyway,
Because in that 1 room house
Nothing’s happened
You haven’t touched me
You haven’t held me
I haven’t felt your breath against my neck
I haven’t listened to your heartbeat through your chest
And I didn’t notice how you looked at me
And I didn’t feel butterflies when you looked at me
I didn’t even know you looked at me
You look at me like maybe I was magic
You have since day one haven’t you
I can’t be mad at myself for not seeing it
Because I didn’t see it
You see?

Dear Chester

chester-3

I wanted to write something for awhile, but the words really never came to me. The sudden death of Chester Bennington has really affected me, more than I ever thought it would. As many of my same aged peers, I fell in love with Linkin Park when they came out. The second I heard that scream, I knew he was a kindred soul. Chester expelled demons unlike anyone I know. Without ever knowing him, he instantly understood me. So, to help with my grief in this, I decided to write him a letter, thanking him and telling him all the things I would have liked to tell him in person, had I been given the chance.

Dear Chester,

I know you don’t know me
But your soul touched mine
More than you could have ever known
When I first heard you scream through my speakers
I felt you expelling your demons
As I listened
I understood
And knew there was hope
Because if you could do it
Then so could I
I wished more than anything that
I could let my demons out like you
The pain you were in is familiar to me
I walk that trail of tears and excruciating inner pain everyday
I hear when you sing, that you walk the same trail
Your words were like smiles as we walked together
You’re words were you reaching out for my hand
Helping me keep going when I didn’t want to.
You pulled me out of each hole I fell into
All I had to do was turn on your music
And you were there
Once again, holding me while I cried
I’m envious of you
I wish I could release my demons like you
I wish I could be in a place that I could make some sense of it
But knowing how you suffered and how alike our pain is
You taking your own life
It only makes me realize that it IS that bad
Our pain IS that bad
A piece of each of our hearts left with you that morning
You take a piece of each soul you touched
And in turn, we get to keep the pieces you gave us
I’m jealous your pain is gone now
And now you can be free and happy
I know some people may see it as weak
But I know we both know different
We both know how strong we REALLY are
Because we fight our own minds everyday
You are strong and brave
You are loved and honored
Thank you for saving me
Thank you for giving me hope
Thank you for knowing exactly how I feel
There will never be another you

Love,
Jenn

 

Frozen

inshower
link

I just stand there
I just fucking stand there
Letting that damn water burn my face
And all I can do is stand there
Head right under that water
Running down my hair and face like a waterfall
Water so hot, it almost blisters my skin
I’m frozen
Skin fire red from standing not able to move
But I don’t even notice
All I can do is hold myself up
Only sounds are my silent screams
Silent screams, almost ripping the corners of my mouth
Aching to get out
I can’t seem to open my mouth wide enough for what needs to get out
While the tears ran down my face like
Blood gushing from a fresh wound
In the dark, standing still, I let that water rush over my body
Each new drop of hot water feels like a razor
Scraping itself across every surface of my vulnerable skin
Most days, I can ignore those screams
I can hold them in
But some days they hit me like a bulldozer, trying to level me
Most days I’m able to hide it
I’ve become the best little liar you’ll ever know
But, I’d rather say I’m good at faking it
Today, I can’t run, I can’t hide
Someone needs me to be strong, to be wise
He counts on me for everything
How can I admit I don’t really know what to do?
I don’t want to admit I don’t know what to do
Each new decision weighs 1000 pounds
Each new obstacle seems too daunting and horrific
I can’t live in “why’s” or “what if’s” but
Fuck
Some days those questions
Suffocate me so much, it’s all I can do to breathe

waves
link

By Jenn

Missing you comes at me in waves
Brutally crashing against my face
I’ll tell my mind to stop, but it never behaves
Looking for ways to keep that memory safe, beautiful in our secret place

Most days the waves are kind and small
Your words run through my mind, keeping me in a silent purgatory
Your voice thickens the air around me, making me stumble and fall
Your promise echos in my ear saying “hey, let me tell you a story”

I know it’s wrong, I know you’re wrong
But that doesn’t stop my mind from replaying your breath dancing off the back of my neck
It was so safe and warm and happy knowing you were there all along
But now the ache of your absence brings a fear I can’t seem to check

Missing you comes at me in waves
Should we finally lay our heads in those self-induced graves
Always connected together forever for all of those who tore us apart to see
And then maybe, just maybe they will finally let us be

Make Believe

dead rose

 

By Jenn

  • There once was this little girl
    Who sat alone in the dark
    Wishing she was anyone but who she really was
  • There once was this little girl
    Who made up her own little world
    Safe in her little blue room
    She twirled, she spun, she sang then she’d bow
    And all the pretend people cheered
  • There once was this little girl
    Who just needed someone to love her, though she didn’t know that’s what she needed
    She searched her whole little life, looking to fill a void
    Searching for that one little place that she felt truly safe
    Somewhere she could just be her happy little self
  • There once was this little girl
    Who lived inside this big girl, with big dreams
    But both girls were filled with fear, self doubt
  • But one day there was this boy
    Who instantly understood that little girl and made her laugh harder than anyone else
    He was kind, handsome and full of life
    With his crooked smile, dimples and his crooked way of looking at life
    He was everything she didn’t know she needed
  • One day this boy showed this girl what life could be like
    They fit together like puzzle pieces
    Making a beautiful picture full of color, love, laughter and sunshine
    The thing is, when you’re a broken little girl
    You always think love comes with strings
  • There once was a girl who fell for
    A boy who didn’t expect anything from her
    Who looked at her like she was magic and made her feel safe
    Who made her laugh and smile harder than anyone else
    But instead of letting him love her, she pushed him down and ran away
  • So that little girl lost her handsome prince
    Because who wants to love someone who doesn’t know what that means
    Now she sits in her room, imagining
    Playing pretend in her head to fill the void
    Knowing she would never feel that safe or happy again

 

Glass Jars

heart

By Jenn

Hey, you wanta know what I’m good at?

I’m good at hiding
I’m good at pulling away
I’m good at being pushed aside
I’m good at being unlovable
I’m good at not needing anyone
I’m pretty good at not feeling

You wanta know what I’m not good at?

You….
I’m not good at you
Your dark, twisty evil beautiful
I’m not good at this
Whatever “this” is
I’m not good at playing games
I’m not good at “happy”

But I’m pretty sure neither are you!

You play it cool…so fucking cool
Wait no, you play it like a bitch
Like a little bitch pawing at bigger bitches
To keep you feeling like a “man”
Like you just wanta be cool with me
Like you’re scared to loose me
But then you play it like you don’t give a fuck
But then you are quick to say you’re sorry
When I say fuck it, fuck you, fuck this
You’re scared to lose me
You’re a contradiction
You can’t play both sides, man

So which are you?

Are you that kind soul
The beautiful, sensitive soul
I see when I look in your eyes?
You seem to see that in me
I see it
I see the way you look at me,
How can you act like you’re so demented
When you look at someone like that?
Are you a timid man who’s afraid to do the wrong thing?
Are you a man who feels like your soul is ripped out?

Or are you the badass you want me to think you are?
Are you the the man who says “fuck you” to the world?
Or are you the dumb fuck who stabs everyone you care about?

I don’t think you’re either
I think you’re a shell of a man
Washed up along that trail you like to walk
High in the mountains
You’re a muddy, bloody mess
With your heart tucked neatly in your pocket
Making everyone pay for HER mistakes
That. Bitch’s. Mistakes

When you pulled your heart out of your chest
Did you have a sick and twisted smile
Did you hold it up for everyone to see
Hoping to make everyone run
Did you get off on it pulsating through your hand
Did your dick get hard watching everyone run from you
Did you get off watching
That beautiful heart still pounding,
Dripping blood
Did you laugh as it ran down your arm
The tighter you squeeze the more you enjoyed it
Are you just waiting,
Waiting for someone to come along
Who’s dark enough to lick your hands clean

What you don’t know is
I’m that person
That person who could lick your hands clean
My mouth would curl up in a smile
Enjoying each crimson tear running down your arm
Licking, sucking like I was giving you
The best blow job you’ve ever had
A small giggle would escape my throat
When your moans turn into cries of ecstasy exploding
Harder than any other girl ever has or will again

What you don’t get is
I’ve cut open my own chest
To let the air in
Because I couldn’t breath
What you don’t know is
I’ve laid on the cold bathroom tile
With a cold razor in my hand
I’ve bled on my floor more than you
Watching each stream of blood
As it formed my silent tears on my tiles
I’ve cut out everything that feels
I’ve cut my wrists, my legs, my soul
What you don’t know is
My soul sits in a glass jar
Cause I vomited it into my hands
To hold in the sobs of panic and hurt
With a smile on my face
What you don’t know is
My dark is darker than yours, darling
My bloody pieces are all bottled up in glass jars
Hiding from you,
All lined up
Displayed like fine china
Waiting for you to come find them
Rearrange them
And put them back again

But I’m pretty sure you can’t handle it

So you see
Your dark isn’t too much for me
My dark is too much for you
Don’t be mad because my shiny case
Is more sparkly and organized than yours

Wait, who the hell are you?

Hey lovers!

So, we wanted to make sure we gave you a better intro into who we are. So, here’s more about me. I’m Jenn. I’m originally from Oregon, well, that’s what I claim. I was born there, so, really, I can. 🙂

My parents are both from Nebraska and moved us all back when I was young. I grew up in a traditional German/Russian home, although I didn’t know it was any different from yours because all my friends were all part of the culture as well, which says a lot about me. I’ve been through a lot and most of my life, I’ve detached from any feelings. I’m not good at them, really. So, as an adult, I’m finally learning what all those are, and I HATE it. How do you people go through life feelin things?! I don’t get y’all at all, I mean, really. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and had more life experience than most and the consequence of that is anxiety. I semi delight in my complex PTSD (repeat and prolonged traumas). It helps keep me safe, dark and allows me to dissociated, but also brings just as much sorrow. I’ve been in therapy a couple of years working on all the things that have happened and as I said above, I’m just learning to actually have feelings. It plows me over most days. I’m an all or nothing kinda girl, so either things are ok or they’re not. Sometimes I think I’m more in love with my darkness and sadness than the idea of actually being happy. I don’t understand things like when someone likes me, when someone really needs my help or anything having to do with connections with people.

I’m obsessed with boxing and it has been the best outlet I’ve ever found. There is nothing better than hitting a heavy bag or better yet, hitting those mitts with your trainer. 🙂 Finding Title Boxing has been the best thing I’ve ever done. 

My son is 15, I had him young. He was born with complications and was left severely disabled and developmentally around 2 years old. But please, don’t ever tell me “you must be super woman” because I might punch ya. Isaiah and I are a team, he’s my ride or die, only because he doesn’t really have a choice…haha. We love to travel, go to concerts, drive in the car and laugh. He’s got THE BEST laugh.

I can’t think of a better way to spend a weekend than binge watching Friends or Greys Anatomy. I have a super hard time staying away from salt. As I said before, I’m obsessed with boxing and go at least 6 times a week (shout out to Title Boxing ) I’m pretty obsessed with all things gangsta rap and can recite almost any Eminem song verbatim.

I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you, some recipes with you and maybe get to know you all as well.