so yesterday was my first therapy session dealing with my abusive ex boyfriend
something i thought i had dealt with.
i thought i’d moved past him and that it didn’t affect me.
i came home and slept all day.
i almost couldn’t move or think or talk,
all i could do was stare.
i don’t want to admit that what he did still causes me so much pain.
why can’t i just eliminate it from my brain all together,
like he never happened.
the idea of him makes my skin crawl.
i’m so mad he still has so much control over me.
i can’t enjoy compliments from a nice man because he told me i’m worthless.
i don’t let anyone touch me
because he told me to thank his mom for teaching him right
because i deserved to have the shit beat out of me daily.
how lucky i was that he was a “good man” and only did it once in awhile.
he told me my life was nothing without him.
i sat on my knees watching him show me how empty i was without him,
taking all the “happy” family pictures off the walls,
because without him, none of those moments would have happened.
the smell of bud light and blue moon make me sick to my stomach,
that’s what he drank daily and when he’d come home,
he’d force himself on me with beer stained breath, slobbering all over my body
and i’d lay like a dead fish, just waiting for him to be done and pass out.
he said fucking me was like fucking an empty pillowcase,
hollow and empty because that’s what i’d become inside.
no one helped, no one said anything.
i did everything physically possible to make myself less attractive
i stopped taking care of myself, but it didn’t work.
i got on my knees every night begging god to take him away from me,
but there is no god and i’m just a silly stupid girl who believed someone loved me.
no one cared enough to notice the circles under my eyes or the fear on my face.
he threatened to have me killed because he had ties to the mexican mafia,
threatened to slash my tires so i couldn’t go anywhere,
used my child as a weapon to keep me around,
said no one would want my child, let alone want me.
when your longest relationship was an abusive one,
you don’t really have a road map for a healthy one.
so i search for men that are similar to him and i find them.
i let myself be swallowed by men who don’t really love me
and fear the ones who might actually love me right.
i’ll look for every reason that good man isn’t for me.
i can think of a million and one reasons why he’s too good for me,
because i don’t deserve happy ever after.
i don’t know how to do healthy,
but i’m learning.
and one day, i’ll deserve happy ever after.