Fairy tales we tell ourselves

Fairy tales we tell ourselves

By Jenn

I stand there silent
Wrapping my empty arms around my own body
When he comes behind me
Catches me before I fall
Wrapping his strong arms around me
Engulfing me in safety
Holding me up so
I don’t collapse on the ground
All I can do is shake with each sob
Silent screams coming from my mouth
Holding myself up against the wall

But he’s not really there
He’s in my mind
He’s the man I need
The man I see in my dreams
He’s the one who fixes all the broken
He fits the hole in my heart
He was made just for me
Like a tailor-made pair of gloves
He just fits

His eyes are cerulean as the sky
I want to stare into them for hours
The whites of his eyes;
Those are the fluffy clouds
I want to lay down and stay forever
His arms are strong and firm
And I relax into them because he’s home
I could trace each vein
In his sculpted arms
I could mold a beautiful sculpture
Of his chiseled chest
Because my hands remember every curve
His back so strong
He catches me when I fall
And carries me through life with him

I know him
Like the lines of my own palm
And he holds me like
He was made to hold me
He fits into me like a puzzle piece
He was only created to love me
And he’s looked his whole life for me

We both stumbled through each lifetime
Looking for the synchronicity
We knew in each other
When our eyes meet,
We know instantly
We’ve found home
All the struggles we walked through
To find each other
Melt like butter
On warm bread just out of the oven

His voice is like holy angels
Singing hallelujahs in my ears
His breath
His skin
His laugh
His voice
All feel and taste like
The excitement of christmas morning
Sweet, warm and happy

He longs to wake up next to me
Watching the morning sunlight dance
Off my naked body
He loves to keep me warm his arms
He longs to
Trace the lines in my body
With his calloused, eager fingertips
He longs to kiss me goodnight
He craves to fall asleep
Resting his beautiful head
On my chest
With the rhythm of my heart singing him to sleep
His heart beats
The syllables of my name
And it’s my favorite rhythm
The way his name dances off my lips
Just happens to be his favorite song
One that only his soul can hear
My laughter dances in his ears
And makes everything seem better
He’s looked for me his whole life
And the thought of not loving me
Makes his breath harden
And his heart stop beating

I want to fall asleep
To the feeling of his warm exhales
Stirring the fine hairs of my neck
I want to feel his hands wrap around me
His strong, defined, scruffy chin
Tickling my back
As he kisses a trail of love down my spine
I long to be able to laugh with him
Hear his silly joke
Or see the silly smirk on his face
All things he does
Just so he can make me laugh

I want to see the depths of his heart
And be the only one he cries in front of
I want him to be
The first call I make
When things are bad
And to be the first call I make
When things are good
My body craves
Hearing his voice sing my name
He’s an addiction I don’t wanta kick

When we make love
Our bodies disappear into each other
This is our most beautiful song
It’s the sound of the love we make
When our bodies are one
Each thrust keeping time
Like a well played drum solo
The aching sounds we make
When our heads lean back
In the ecstasy we feel
Just being together
Radiates against the walls surrounding us
And the heat from our bodies
Transmits throughout the room
As if we were
Standing directly on the sun

I see you
I feel you
And I wonder if you’re
Really longing for me
Do you remember I’m made for you
Or is this all just a silly fairy tale
I picked up from a Disney movie

So I’ll stay here
And I’ll look for you in every face I see
Until I’m finally in your arms
My love

 

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To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t

To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t
Jenn Stall

I saw you
I saw you standing there looking at me
Trying to hide the lust in your eyes
Your eyes scanning my body
Like a human metal detector
You butch, beautiful, sexy woman
I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling
But I knew I wanted your hands on me
I knew I wanted you to kiss me
To have the heat from your mouth
Warm me up and make my body sing
But I knew I hated you
Because I wanted you
I didn’t really know what was happening
I saw your disappointment in me
When I’d leave with someone you don’t like
I didn’t know how to talk to you
So I ran
And ran to a boy who didn’t
Even begin to look at me like you did
I saw your ache for me to be sober
When I’d show up to work stoned
Or leave with the fellow pothead boy
Who only wanted one thing
But I did know you wanted
That same thing from me
You wanted to rip my clothes off
And eat me alive
Wanted to hear me scream your name
But wanted it to be real and loving
Not just a one time “roll in the hay”
You wanted to worship my body
And play it like a fine piano
Stroking every key to
Create sweet music
You, you tomboy with your rollerblades
You made me feel
Where feelings didn’t usually set
I had never wanted a girl before
And you made my mind wander
When I found myself alone with you
In that walk-in freezer
At the sonic when you came to
Open the store where I worked
When you got close to me
So close I could smell your breath
I could see your breath speed up
Your chest rising and falling in hunger
And the cold I had felt
Was no longer cold
Only heat between you and me
But I think you were just as scared as I was
I think you were afraid to admit
You wanted me to
Did you have someone back home?
Did you not indulge in
Your thirst for pussy?
I felt it when you touched me
I felt it when you smiled at me
Your eyes danced with need
And longing for something
That you would never give yourself
Me…
I look back at that time
And I know now exactly what it was
I wanted you for you
I wanted to let our bodies
Become one
I wanted to taste you
Every time I go to that Sonic
In Cheyenne
I wonder if you’re still there
Wait for you to come skating out
So I can run up to you and finally hold you
Maybe you will finally admit it
Maybe you had dreams of me too
And maybe you were my one
But I didn’t know what loving a girl meant
I couldn’t admit I wanted a girl
I’m sorry I let you go

 

Ruins

By Jenn

Most days when the dark is pulling at me
I can stay in my head
In my head, I can play pretend
And it all goes away
I see you and we’re together and happy
I’m not alone
I don’t know you but
You love me
And I love you
I can hear all the things you’d say to me
to make me feel better
I can smell your skin
your breath
Your sweet, delicious breath
Smelling of coffee whiskey and cigarettes
I can feel your arms wrap around me
As you softly sing a new song
Serenading me
Your voice angelic and harsh at the same time
When you let go you
Leave traces of your smell in my neck and clothes
I can feel your kiss on my ear
Tingling chills down my spine
I don’t mind though
because in my mind
you really could love me
In my reality
you never will
So
I walk through my day playing pretend in my head
I pretend you make jokes with me
I pretend you are here
I watch us making dinner
See us laughing at our favorite show
Being romantic
While dancing in the kitchen
To whatever new song we’re singing to each other
I fall asleep in your arms
I wake up warm still in your arms
Safe content and loved
It’s easier to live there then to live here
Here
you don’t know I exist
you don’t know we’re connected
like a string that’s attached to each of our hearts
That pulls us both to each other
But never breaks
no matter how hard we both try
See it what keeps us connected
When I wake up
and you aren’t there
I wonder if maybe I’m crazy
I’m alone
I’m cold and sad
I’m still me
Plain simple horrible old me
I never fell asleep in your arms
I don’t roll over to see your eyes flicker to see me awake
glimmering with love
And excitement just being next to me
I can’t feel your breath in my ear saying
“good morning beautiful”
You’re not there
How can I be so connected to
someone I don’t know
How can your face be the one I see when I close my eyes
In your own way do you do the same?
Do you wish the women next to you
Was the woman you see in your dreams?
Do you daydream about the same woman everyday?
Do you pretend you’re with her?
Do you know she’s me?
See all the things we do?
You know every detail of my body
Every detail of my face
You know what scares me
And what makes me happy
Can you hear me laugh at your stupid jokes?
Can you feel me when we’re in the same place?
Sometimes I wish I was just crazy
I wish someone would just lock me away
Give me drugs to make me forget
What I’m missing
And why my heart aches
Because I don’t know you
I don’t know where you are
And I feel like we’ve passed each other by
I feel like you were my one chance for happy
And without you
I’ll never have it
Because I’m not good
I don’t get to keep you
And because I’m so fucked up
I will never have any of those things I see in my mind
And we will both die
Unhappy without the other half of our soul
Again, I’m ruined someone else’s happy
And I’m sorry I ruined your happy
I’m sorry I ruined our happy
Maybe one day….

Cigarettes will kill you, ya know

By Jenn

You’re like a cigarette
One of those reeeeallly GOOD cigarettes
Like a menthol one
They were always my favorite
But anyway
You, you know the ones
Those Menthol smokes all inviting
Smelling good
They make your whole chest warm
Or maybe you’re like
One of those long old lady cigarettes
You know,
Those old ladies that smoke the long skinny cigarettes
Judging everyone as they walk by
Holdin their smokes all classy like
Like they just stepped out of an Audrey Hepburn movie or somethin’
Like they’re better than you because their smokes are long and skinny
Inhaling like it’s a lost art
Blowing out like they
Just had the best orgasim of their lives
Or maybe you’re a cheap cigarette
You know the ones
Those ones we use to buy
When we had to scrap together pennies between us
Just to go to the liquor store
Just to buy one pack of smokes for 6 people
I’m pretty sure you’re not an expensive cigarette
Although they’re all expensive now
No wait, you’re like a clove cigarette
Remember those Prime Times
You know those ones that leave
Your lips tasting like berries or vanilla or mint
Those cloves have a smell like freedom
They smell like sunshine
They smell like snow storms
They smell like you
They smell like friday nights
Sitting on the couch with you
Playing video games and smoking weed
I like those ones
They make me think of us at that little house
Crazy kids
In your car
That giant car
You know the one with the giant hood?
They make me think of you sleeping on the floor
Just to be next to me
Me on the couch
You on the floor
You use to be a gentleman
Because neither of us paid rent or actually “lived” there
But really we slept like that because all the beds were taken
But you know what really reminds me of you
The smell of those camels 99’s
Or maybe the smell of bud light
Or maybe even the smell of the fresh residue
That we scraped out to smoke
No but I think I’d like you better as a memory
One I’d like to keep
Because if you stay as a memory
I can’t be hurt by you
I can’t be mad at you for walking away
I want to keep you safe
2 kids
Sitting on the couch on a friday night
Playing that dumb video game
You know that one
The one with the bunny named jenny
The only game I could beat you at
Remember she spun and turned into a bunny
Anyway,
Because in that 1 room house
Nothing’s happened
You haven’t touched me
You haven’t held me
I haven’t felt your breath against my neck
I haven’t listened to your heartbeat through your chest
And I didn’t notice how you looked at me
And I didn’t feel butterflies when you looked at me
I didn’t even know you looked at me
You look at me like maybe I was magic
You have since day one haven’t you
I can’t be mad at myself for not seeing it
Because I didn’t see it
You see?

Dear Chester

chester-3

I wanted to write something for awhile, but the words really never came to me. The sudden death of Chester Bennington has really affected me, more than I ever thought it would. As many of my same aged peers, I fell in love with Linkin Park when they came out. The second I heard that scream, I knew he was a kindred soul. Chester expelled demons unlike anyone I know. Without ever knowing him, he instantly understood me. So, to help with my grief in this, I decided to write him a letter, thanking him and telling him all the things I would have liked to tell him in person, had I been given the chance.

Dear Chester,

I know you don’t know me
But your soul touched mine
More than you could have ever known
When I first heard you scream through my speakers
I felt you expelling your demons
As I listened
I understood
And knew there was hope
Because if you could do it
Then so could I
I wished more than anything that
I could let my demons out like you
The pain you were in is familiar to me
I walk that trail of tears and excruciating inner pain everyday
I hear when you sing, that you walk the same trail
Your words were like smiles as we walked together
You’re words were you reaching out for my hand
Helping me keep going when I didn’t want to.
You pulled me out of each hole I fell into
All I had to do was turn on your music
And you were there
Once again, holding me while I cried
I’m envious of you
I wish I could release my demons like you
I wish I could be in a place that I could make some sense of it
But knowing how you suffered and how alike our pain is
You taking your own life
It only makes me realize that it IS that bad
Our pain IS that bad
A piece of each of our hearts left with you that morning
You take a piece of each soul you touched
And in turn, we get to keep the pieces you gave us
I’m jealous your pain is gone now
And now you can be free and happy
I know some people may see it as weak
But I know we both know different
We both know how strong we REALLY are
Because we fight our own minds everyday
You are strong and brave
You are loved and honored
Thank you for saving me
Thank you for giving me hope
Thank you for knowing exactly how I feel
There will never be another you

Love,
Jenn

 

Frozen

inshower
link

I just stand there
I just fucking stand there
Letting that damn water burn my face
And all I can do is stand there
Head right under that water
Running down my hair and face like a waterfall
Water so hot, it almost blisters my skin
I’m frozen
Skin fire red from standing not able to move
But I don’t even notice
All I can do is hold myself up
Only sounds are my silent screams
Silent screams, almost ripping the corners of my mouth
Aching to get out
I can’t seem to open my mouth wide enough for what needs to get out
While the tears ran down my face like
Blood gushing from a fresh wound
In the dark, standing still, I let that water rush over my body
Each new drop of hot water feels like a razor
Scraping itself across every surface of my vulnerable skin
Most days, I can ignore those screams
I can hold them in
But some days they hit me like a bulldozer, trying to level me
Most days I’m able to hide it
I’ve become the best little liar you’ll ever know
But, I’d rather say I’m good at faking it
Today, I can’t run, I can’t hide
Someone needs me to be strong, to be wise
He counts on me for everything
How can I admit I don’t really know what to do?
I don’t want to admit I don’t know what to do
Each new decision weighs 1000 pounds
Each new obstacle seems too daunting and horrific
I can’t live in “why’s” or “what if’s” but
Fuck
Some days those questions
Suffocate me so much, it’s all I can do to breathe

One Chance

By Whit

Rushing up
Running to the darkness

Meet me there
See my scars
See my bitter bleeding heart
And give me one more start

Show me hope
Show me love
Show me just how good life can be
And give me a new start

I want to live2017-07-23 19_53_15-Whitney L Morgan
See it all
Experience life
Please God
Give me a new start

Pierce my soul
See my secrets
And love me anyways

Just give me.

-W