The Wind

A poem by Whit, inspired by the movie Final Destination

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By: Whit

Rushing, slipping through the air

blowing leave across the room

Choosing with the utmost care

Styles of impending doom.

Whispering blurry, past my sight

a shadow in the peripheral.

Closing eyes, pulses jump

figures in my silhouette.

 

Dark conglomeration curdling like a scream

stuck within my throat.

A dying need upon your feet

a stipulation that must be read.

 

Steps away, it’s skipped my turn

taking flight upon your grave.

Burrowing deeper inside the marrow

bones wrenching throughout your joints

Tendons and ligaments torn through a pain.

 

Lightning flashes, skidding through these dreams

a washed down gray ridden morning

Dawn failing to dispel the mist

Journey back to time before time

click rewind and pause, no cause for this.

 

The clock still jumps ahead

and your dreamscapes still turn in mind

Engulfed by bitterness, swept along a course of rage

Ice drops glistening, flailiA ting downward a spiral called life

 

Staring past unblinking eyes, profusion of though and enveloping emotives.

Careening crossly, shameful cruelty it swirls around my being

Crass ambiguity slow as molasses in the heat of day

Frame by frame a picture forms

and like a summer storm, rashly skitters away

from the light of truth dawning upon you

 

Shimmies, shivers up my spine, tingling lightly on

pressed to my scalp

A tickle in my ear, frightened tears gleaming

shadowing my eyes.

 

Slickly caressing across my skin, swirling around

it’s eternity, light and darkness, sporadic occurences

with each goal and destination it’s firmly mapped out.

Every sweet breath and sight leading somewhere

beyond the reach it always catches each it’s lost.

….

so yesterday was my first therapy session dealing with my abusive ex boyfriend

something i thought i had dealt with.

i thought i’d moved past him and that it didn’t affect me.

i came home and slept all day.

i almost couldn’t move or think or talk,

all i could do was stare.

i don’t want to admit that what he did still causes me so much pain.

why can’t i just eliminate it from my brain all together,

like he never happened.

the idea of him makes my skin crawl.

i’m so mad he still has so much control over me.

i can’t enjoy compliments from a nice man because he told me i’m worthless.

i don’t let anyone touch me

because he told me to thank his mom for teaching him right

because i deserved to have the shit beat out of me daily.

how lucky i was that he was a “good man” and only did it once in awhile.

he told me my life was nothing without him.

i sat on my knees watching him show me how empty i was without him,

taking all the “happy” family pictures off the walls,

because without him, none of those moments would have happened.

the smell of bud light and blue moon make me sick to my stomach,

that’s what he drank daily and when he’d come home,

he’d force himself on me with beer stained breath, slobbering all over my body

and i’d lay like a dead fish, just waiting for him to be done and pass out.

he said fucking me was like fucking an empty pillowcase,

hollow and empty because that’s what i’d become inside.

no one helped, no one said anything.

i did everything physically possible to make myself less attractive

i stopped taking care of myself, but it didn’t work.

i got on my knees every night begging god to take him away from me,

but there is no god and i’m just a silly stupid girl who believed someone loved me.

no one cared enough to notice the circles under my eyes or the fear on my face.

he threatened to have me killed because he had ties to the mexican mafia,

threatened to slash my tires so i couldn’t go anywhere,

used my child as a weapon to keep me around,

said no one would want my child, let alone want me.

when your longest relationship was an abusive one,

you don’t really have a road map for a healthy one.

so i search for men that are similar to him and i find them.

i let myself be swallowed by men who don’t really love me

and fear the ones who might actually love me right.

i’ll look for every reason that good man isn’t for me.

i can think of a million and one reasons why he’s too good for me,

because i don’t deserve happy ever after.

i don’t know how to do healthy,

but i’m learning.

and one day, i’ll deserve happy ever after.

 

To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t

To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t
Jenn Stall

I saw you
I saw you standing there looking at me
Trying to hide the lust in your eyes
Your eyes scanning my body
Like a human metal detector
You butch, beautiful, sexy woman
I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling
But I knew I wanted your hands on me
I knew I wanted you to kiss me
To have the heat from your mouth
Warm me up and make my body sing
But I knew I hated you
Because I wanted you
I didn’t really know what was happening
I saw your disappointment in me
When I’d leave with someone you don’t like
I didn’t know how to talk to you
So I ran
And ran to a boy who didn’t
Even begin to look at me like you did
I saw your ache for me to be sober
When I’d show up to work stoned
Or leave with the fellow pothead boy
Who only wanted one thing
But I did know you wanted
That same thing from me
You wanted to rip my clothes off
And eat me alive
Wanted to hear me scream your name
But wanted it to be real and loving
Not just a one time “roll in the hay”
You wanted to worship my body
And play it like a fine piano
Stroking every key to
Create sweet music
You, you tomboy with your rollerblades
You made me feel
Where feelings didn’t usually set
I had never wanted a girl before
And you made my mind wander
When I found myself alone with you
In that walk-in freezer
At the sonic when you came to
Open the store where I worked
When you got close to me
So close I could smell your breath
I could see your breath speed up
Your chest rising and falling in hunger
And the cold I had felt
Was no longer cold
Only heat between you and me
But I think you were just as scared as I was
I think you were afraid to admit
You wanted me to
Did you have someone back home?
Did you not indulge in
Your thirst for pussy?
I felt it when you touched me
I felt it when you smiled at me
Your eyes danced with need
And longing for something
That you would never give yourself
Me…
I look back at that time
And I know now exactly what it was
I wanted you for you
I wanted to let our bodies
Become one
I wanted to taste you
Every time I go to that Sonic
In Cheyenne
I wonder if you’re still there
Wait for you to come skating out
So I can run up to you and finally hold you
Maybe you will finally admit it
Maybe you had dreams of me too
And maybe you were my one
But I didn’t know what loving a girl meant
I couldn’t admit I wanted a girl
I’m sorry I let you go

 

Ruins

By Jenn

Most days when the dark is pulling at me
I can stay in my head
In my head, I can play pretend
And it all goes away
I see you and we’re together and happy
I’m not alone
I don’t know you but
You love me
And I love you
I can hear all the things you’d say to me
to make me feel better
I can smell your skin
your breath
Your sweet, delicious breath
Smelling of coffee whiskey and cigarettes
I can feel your arms wrap around me
As you softly sing a new song
Serenading me
Your voice angelic and harsh at the same time
When you let go you
Leave traces of your smell in my neck and clothes
I can feel your kiss on my ear
Tingling chills down my spine
I don’t mind though
because in my mind
you really could love me
In my reality
you never will
So
I walk through my day playing pretend in my head
I pretend you make jokes with me
I pretend you are here
I watch us making dinner
See us laughing at our favorite show
Being romantic
While dancing in the kitchen
To whatever new song we’re singing to each other
I fall asleep in your arms
I wake up warm still in your arms
Safe content and loved
It’s easier to live there then to live here
Here
you don’t know I exist
you don’t know we’re connected
like a string that’s attached to each of our hearts
That pulls us both to each other
But never breaks
no matter how hard we both try
See it what keeps us connected
When I wake up
and you aren’t there
I wonder if maybe I’m crazy
I’m alone
I’m cold and sad
I’m still me
Plain simple horrible old me
I never fell asleep in your arms
I don’t roll over to see your eyes flicker to see me awake
glimmering with love
And excitement just being next to me
I can’t feel your breath in my ear saying
“good morning beautiful”
You’re not there
How can I be so connected to
someone I don’t know
How can your face be the one I see when I close my eyes
In your own way do you do the same?
Do you wish the women next to you
Was the woman you see in your dreams?
Do you daydream about the same woman everyday?
Do you pretend you’re with her?
Do you know she’s me?
See all the things we do?
You know every detail of my body
Every detail of my face
You know what scares me
And what makes me happy
Can you hear me laugh at your stupid jokes?
Can you feel me when we’re in the same place?
Sometimes I wish I was just crazy
I wish someone would just lock me away
Give me drugs to make me forget
What I’m missing
And why my heart aches
Because I don’t know you
I don’t know where you are
And I feel like we’ve passed each other by
I feel like you were my one chance for happy
And without you
I’ll never have it
Because I’m not good
I don’t get to keep you
And because I’m so fucked up
I will never have any of those things I see in my mind
And we will both die
Unhappy without the other half of our soul
Again, I’m ruined someone else’s happy
And I’m sorry I ruined your happy
I’m sorry I ruined our happy
Maybe one day….

Cigarettes will kill you, ya know

By Jenn

You’re like a cigarette
One of those reeeeallly GOOD cigarettes
Like a menthol one
They were always my favorite
But anyway
You, you know the ones
Those Menthol smokes all inviting
Smelling good
They make your whole chest warm
Or maybe you’re like
One of those long old lady cigarettes
You know,
Those old ladies that smoke the long skinny cigarettes
Judging everyone as they walk by
Holdin their smokes all classy like
Like they just stepped out of an Audrey Hepburn movie or somethin’
Like they’re better than you because their smokes are long and skinny
Inhaling like it’s a lost art
Blowing out like they
Just had the best orgasim of their lives
Or maybe you’re a cheap cigarette
You know the ones
Those ones we use to buy
When we had to scrap together pennies between us
Just to go to the liquor store
Just to buy one pack of smokes for 6 people
I’m pretty sure you’re not an expensive cigarette
Although they’re all expensive now
No wait, you’re like a clove cigarette
Remember those Prime Times
You know those ones that leave
Your lips tasting like berries or vanilla or mint
Those cloves have a smell like freedom
They smell like sunshine
They smell like snow storms
They smell like you
They smell like friday nights
Sitting on the couch with you
Playing video games and smoking weed
I like those ones
They make me think of us at that little house
Crazy kids
In your car
That giant car
You know the one with the giant hood?
They make me think of you sleeping on the floor
Just to be next to me
Me on the couch
You on the floor
You use to be a gentleman
Because neither of us paid rent or actually “lived” there
But really we slept like that because all the beds were taken
But you know what really reminds me of you
The smell of those camels 99’s
Or maybe the smell of bud light
Or maybe even the smell of the fresh residue
That we scraped out to smoke
No but I think I’d like you better as a memory
One I’d like to keep
Because if you stay as a memory
I can’t be hurt by you
I can’t be mad at you for walking away
I want to keep you safe
2 kids
Sitting on the couch on a friday night
Playing that dumb video game
You know that one
The one with the bunny named jenny
The only game I could beat you at
Remember she spun and turned into a bunny
Anyway,
Because in that 1 room house
Nothing’s happened
You haven’t touched me
You haven’t held me
I haven’t felt your breath against my neck
I haven’t listened to your heartbeat through your chest
And I didn’t notice how you looked at me
And I didn’t feel butterflies when you looked at me
I didn’t even know you looked at me
You look at me like maybe I was magic
You have since day one haven’t you
I can’t be mad at myself for not seeing it
Because I didn’t see it
You see?

Frozen

inshower
link

I just stand there
I just fucking stand there
Letting that damn water burn my face
And all I can do is stand there
Head right under that water
Running down my hair and face like a waterfall
Water so hot, it almost blisters my skin
I’m frozen
Skin fire red from standing not able to move
But I don’t even notice
All I can do is hold myself up
Only sounds are my silent screams
Silent screams, almost ripping the corners of my mouth
Aching to get out
I can’t seem to open my mouth wide enough for what needs to get out
While the tears ran down my face like
Blood gushing from a fresh wound
In the dark, standing still, I let that water rush over my body
Each new drop of hot water feels like a razor
Scraping itself across every surface of my vulnerable skin
Most days, I can ignore those screams
I can hold them in
But some days they hit me like a bulldozer, trying to level me
Most days I’m able to hide it
I’ve become the best little liar you’ll ever know
But, I’d rather say I’m good at faking it
Today, I can’t run, I can’t hide
Someone needs me to be strong, to be wise
He counts on me for everything
How can I admit I don’t really know what to do?
I don’t want to admit I don’t know what to do
Each new decision weighs 1000 pounds
Each new obstacle seems too daunting and horrific
I can’t live in “why’s” or “what if’s” but
Fuck
Some days those questions
Suffocate me so much, it’s all I can do to breathe

One Chance

By Whit

Rushing up
Running to the darkness

Meet me there
See my scars
See my bitter bleeding heart
And give me one more start

Show me hope
Show me love
Show me just how good life can be
And give me a new start

I want to live2017-07-23 19_53_15-Whitney L Morgan
See it all
Experience life
Please God
Give me a new start

Pierce my soul
See my secrets
And love me anyways

Just give me.

-W