Ruins

By Jenn

Most days when the dark is pulling at me
I can stay in my head
In my head, I can play pretend
And it all goes away
I see you and we’re together and happy
I’m not alone
I don’t know you but
You love me
And I love you
I can hear all the things you’d say to me
to make me feel better
I can smell your skin
your breath
Your sweet, delicious breath
Smelling of coffee whiskey and cigarettes
I can feel your arms wrap around me
As you softly sing a new song
Serenading me
Your voice angelic and harsh at the same time
When you let go you
Leave traces of your smell in my neck and clothes
I can feel your kiss on my ear
Tingling chills down my spine
I don’t mind though
because in my mind
you really could love me
In my reality
you never will
So
I walk through my day playing pretend in my head
I pretend you make jokes with me
I pretend you are here
I watch us making dinner
See us laughing at our favorite show
Being romantic
While dancing in the kitchen
To whatever new song we’re singing to each other
I fall asleep in your arms
I wake up warm still in your arms
Safe content and loved
It’s easier to live there then to live here
Here
you don’t know I exist
you don’t know we’re connected
like a string that’s attached to each of our hearts
That pulls us both to each other
But never breaks
no matter how hard we both try
See it what keeps us connected
When I wake up
and you aren’t there
I wonder if maybe I’m crazy
I’m alone
I’m cold and sad
I’m still me
Plain simple horrible old me
I never fell asleep in your arms
I don’t roll over to see your eyes flicker to see me awake
glimmering with love
And excitement just being next to me
I can’t feel your breath in my ear saying
“good morning beautiful”
You’re not there
How can I be so connected to
someone I don’t know
How can your face be the one I see when I close my eyes
In your own way do you do the same?
Do you wish the women next to you
Was the woman you see in your dreams?
Do you daydream about the same woman everyday?
Do you pretend you’re with her?
Do you know she’s me?
See all the things we do?
You know every detail of my body
Every detail of my face
You know what scares me
And what makes me happy
Can you hear me laugh at your stupid jokes?
Can you feel me when we’re in the same place?
Sometimes I wish I was just crazy
I wish someone would just lock me away
Give me drugs to make me forget
What I’m missing
And why my heart aches
Because I don’t know you
I don’t know where you are
And I feel like we’ve passed each other by
I feel like you were my one chance for happy
And without you
I’ll never have it
Because I’m not good
I don’t get to keep you
And because I’m so fucked up
I will never have any of those things I see in my mind
And we will both die
Unhappy without the other half of our soul
Again, I’m ruined someone else’s happy
And I’m sorry I ruined your happy
I’m sorry I ruined our happy
Maybe one day….

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Cigarettes will kill you, ya know

By Jenn

You’re like a cigarette
One of those reeeeallly GOOD cigarettes
Like a menthol one
They were always my favorite
But anyway
You, you know the ones
Those Menthol smokes all inviting
Smelling good
They make your whole chest warm
Or maybe you’re like
One of those long old lady cigarettes
You know,
Those old ladies that smoke the long skinny cigarettes
Judging everyone as they walk by
Holdin their smokes all classy like
Like they just stepped out of an Audrey Hepburn movie or somethin’
Like they’re better than you because their smokes are long and skinny
Inhaling like it’s a lost art
Blowing out like they
Just had the best orgasim of their lives
Or maybe you’re a cheap cigarette
You know the ones
Those ones we use to buy
When we had to scrap together pennies between us
Just to go to the liquor store
Just to buy one pack of smokes for 6 people
I’m pretty sure you’re not an expensive cigarette
Although they’re all expensive now
No wait, you’re like a clove cigarette
Remember those Prime Times
You know those ones that leave
Your lips tasting like berries or vanilla or mint
Those cloves have a smell like freedom
They smell like sunshine
They smell like snow storms
They smell like you
They smell like friday nights
Sitting on the couch with you
Playing video games and smoking weed
I like those ones
They make me think of us at that little house
Crazy kids
In your car
That giant car
You know the one with the giant hood?
They make me think of you sleeping on the floor
Just to be next to me
Me on the couch
You on the floor
You use to be a gentleman
Because neither of us paid rent or actually “lived” there
But really we slept like that because all the beds were taken
But you know what really reminds me of you
The smell of those camels 99’s
Or maybe the smell of bud light
Or maybe even the smell of the fresh residue
That we scraped out to smoke
No but I think I’d like you better as a memory
One I’d like to keep
Because if you stay as a memory
I can’t be hurt by you
I can’t be mad at you for walking away
I want to keep you safe
2 kids
Sitting on the couch on a friday night
Playing that dumb video game
You know that one
The one with the bunny named jenny
The only game I could beat you at
Remember she spun and turned into a bunny
Anyway,
Because in that 1 room house
Nothing’s happened
You haven’t touched me
You haven’t held me
I haven’t felt your breath against my neck
I haven’t listened to your heartbeat through your chest
And I didn’t notice how you looked at me
And I didn’t feel butterflies when you looked at me
I didn’t even know you looked at me
You look at me like maybe I was magic
You have since day one haven’t you
I can’t be mad at myself for not seeing it
Because I didn’t see it
You see?

Dear Chester

chester-3

I wanted to write something for awhile, but the words really never came to me. The sudden death of Chester Bennington has really affected me, more than I ever thought it would. As many of my same aged peers, I fell in love with Linkin Park when they came out. The second I heard that scream, I knew he was a kindred soul. Chester expelled demons unlike anyone I know. Without ever knowing him, he instantly understood me. So, to help with my grief in this, I decided to write him a letter, thanking him and telling him all the things I would have liked to tell him in person, had I been given the chance.

Dear Chester,

I know you don’t know me
But your soul touched mine
More than you could have ever known
When I first heard you scream through my speakers
I felt you expelling your demons
As I listened
I understood
And knew there was hope
Because if you could do it
Then so could I
I wished more than anything that
I could let my demons out like you
The pain you were in is familiar to me
I walk that trail of tears and excruciating inner pain everyday
I hear when you sing, that you walk the same trail
Your words were like smiles as we walked together
You’re words were you reaching out for my hand
Helping me keep going when I didn’t want to.
You pulled me out of each hole I fell into
All I had to do was turn on your music
And you were there
Once again, holding me while I cried
I’m envious of you
I wish I could release my demons like you
I wish I could be in a place that I could make some sense of it
But knowing how you suffered and how alike our pain is
You taking your own life
It only makes me realize that it IS that bad
Our pain IS that bad
A piece of each of our hearts left with you that morning
You take a piece of each soul you touched
And in turn, we get to keep the pieces you gave us
I’m jealous your pain is gone now
And now you can be free and happy
I know some people may see it as weak
But I know we both know different
We both know how strong we REALLY are
Because we fight our own minds everyday
You are strong and brave
You are loved and honored
Thank you for saving me
Thank you for giving me hope
Thank you for knowing exactly how I feel
There will never be another you

Love,
Jenn

 

Frozen

inshower
link

I just stand there
I just fucking stand there
Letting that damn water burn my face
And all I can do is stand there
Head right under that water
Running down my hair and face like a waterfall
Water so hot, it almost blisters my skin
I’m frozen
Skin fire red from standing not able to move
But I don’t even notice
All I can do is hold myself up
Only sounds are my silent screams
Silent screams, almost ripping the corners of my mouth
Aching to get out
I can’t seem to open my mouth wide enough for what needs to get out
While the tears ran down my face like
Blood gushing from a fresh wound
In the dark, standing still, I let that water rush over my body
Each new drop of hot water feels like a razor
Scraping itself across every surface of my vulnerable skin
Most days, I can ignore those screams
I can hold them in
But some days they hit me like a bulldozer, trying to level me
Most days I’m able to hide it
I’ve become the best little liar you’ll ever know
But, I’d rather say I’m good at faking it
Today, I can’t run, I can’t hide
Someone needs me to be strong, to be wise
He counts on me for everything
How can I admit I don’t really know what to do?
I don’t want to admit I don’t know what to do
Each new decision weighs 1000 pounds
Each new obstacle seems too daunting and horrific
I can’t live in “why’s” or “what if’s” but
Fuck
Some days those questions
Suffocate me so much, it’s all I can do to breathe