Make Believe

dead rose

 

By Jenn

  • There once was this little girl
    Who sat alone in the dark
    Wishing she was anyone but who she really was
  • There once was this little girl
    Who made up her own little world
    Safe in her little blue room
    She twirled, she spun, she sang then she’d bow
    And all the pretend people cheered
  • There once was this little girl
    Who just needed someone to love her, though she didn’t know that’s what she needed
    She searched her whole little life, looking to fill a void
    Searching for that one little place that she felt truly safe
    Somewhere she could just be her happy little self
  • There once was this little girl
    Who lived inside this big girl, with big dreams
    But both girls were filled with fear, self doubt
  • But one day there was this boy
    Who instantly understood that little girl and made her laugh harder than anyone else
    He was kind, handsome and full of life
    With his crooked smile, dimples and his crooked way of looking at life
    He was everything she didn’t know she needed
  • One day this boy showed this girl what life could be like
    They fit together like puzzle pieces
    Making a beautiful picture full of color, love, laughter and sunshine
    The thing is, when you’re a broken little girl
    You always think love comes with strings
  • There once was a girl who fell for
    A boy who didn’t expect anything from her
    Who looked at her like she was magic and made her feel safe
    Who made her laugh and smile harder than anyone else
    But instead of letting him love her, she pushed him down and ran away
  • So that little girl lost her handsome prince
    Because who wants to love someone who doesn’t know what that means
    Now she sits in her room, imagining
    Playing pretend in her head to fill the void
    Knowing she would never feel that safe or happy again

 

Advertisements

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

Stop the pain.  Please.

By Whitney

Dear Lord,

Stop the pain. Please?! Stop the murderous rage coursing through my veins.

Stop the tears, the dry tears running down my pale cheeks.

Nobody can see.

My body is shaking, craving a cure bigger and better than cancerous nicotine.

My mind is tumorous, crazy, needing more than just illegal drugs.

Nobody can tell.

Dear Lord,

The pressures and demands, the stress and problems, all unload onto me.

Can no one see my shoulders are no longer as broad?

I can’t take on the world.

When once strong, I am now weaker than the weakest being alive.

When once I had all the answers , now in their place questions are all I find.

Solving them is no longer an opportunity, it went in his moment of lust.

Dear Lord,

Can no one see I just need to be left along?

I’m more lonely in a crowd than locked in my room…by myself…

Alone.

Dear Lord,

You all say everything will be fine, I just need some help.

Support.

But no one can.

How can you support me if you don’t understand me?

Can’t look into my soul and tell what you see.

How could you see my soul when it’s unclear to even me,

hazy misty fog.

Does anyone even truly see as far as my heart?

is there one left?

It’s been torn and ripped apart so much that if I have one, it is surely pale as scars.

Dear Lord,

Is there a meaning to my life besides being a toy to be crushed in the of men?

Countless nameless cruelties done to me which return to terrorize my dreams.

Is there ever a decent nights sleep, more beyond a tireless few hours?

How I yearn for a peaceful eight hour nights sleep filled with child-like fantasy.

How i wish for this deeply ingrained terror to leave me be.

Who knows when I’ll wake up with a knife in my hand again?

I fear my sleep for to sleep long and deep meant to flashback and die all over again.

Slow and painful death each time I remember, each nightmare revisited.

Dear Lord,

Stop the pain. Please.

2017-07-23 18_48_39-(2) Whitney L Morgan

Wait, who the hell are you?

Hey lovers!

So, we wanted to make sure we gave you a better intro into who we are. So, here’s more about me. I’m Jenn. I’m originally from Oregon, well, that’s what I claim. I was born there, so, really, I can. 🙂

My parents are both from Nebraska and moved us all back when I was young. I grew up in a traditional German/Russian home, although I didn’t know it was any different from yours because all my friends were all part of the culture as well, which says a lot about me. I’ve been through a lot and most of my life, I’ve detached from any feelings. I’m not good at them, really. So, as an adult, I’m finally learning what all those are, and I HATE it. How do you people go through life feelin things?! I don’t get y’all at all, I mean, really. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and had more life experience than most and the consequence of that is anxiety. I semi delight in my complex PTSD (repeat and prolonged traumas). It helps keep me safe, dark and allows me to dissociated, but also brings just as much sorrow. I’ve been in therapy a couple of years working on all the things that have happened and as I said above, I’m just learning to actually have feelings. It plows me over most days. I’m an all or nothing kinda girl, so either things are ok or they’re not. Sometimes I think I’m more in love with my darkness and sadness than the idea of actually being happy. I don’t understand things like when someone likes me, when someone really needs my help or anything having to do with connections with people.

I’m obsessed with boxing and it has been the best outlet I’ve ever found. There is nothing better than hitting a heavy bag or better yet, hitting those mitts with your trainer. 🙂 Finding Title Boxing has been the best thing I’ve ever done. 

My son is 15, I had him young. He was born with complications and was left severely disabled and developmentally around 2 years old. But please, don’t ever tell me “you must be super woman” because I might punch ya. Isaiah and I are a team, he’s my ride or die, only because he doesn’t really have a choice…haha. We love to travel, go to concerts, drive in the car and laugh. He’s got THE BEST laugh.

I can’t think of a better way to spend a weekend than binge watching Friends or Greys Anatomy. I have a super hard time staying away from salt. As I said before, I’m obsessed with boxing and go at least 6 times a week (shout out to Title Boxing ) I’m pretty obsessed with all things gangsta rap and can recite almost any Eminem song verbatim.

I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you, some recipes with you and maybe get to know you all as well.