The Wind

A poem by Whit, inspired by the movie Final Destination

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By: Whit

Rushing, slipping through the air

blowing leave across the room

Choosing with the utmost care

Styles of impending doom.

Whispering blurry, past my sight

a shadow in the peripheral.

Closing eyes, pulses jump

figures in my silhouette.

 

Dark conglomeration curdling like a scream

stuck within my throat.

A dying need upon your feet

a stipulation that must be read.

 

Steps away, it’s skipped my turn

taking flight upon your grave.

Burrowing deeper inside the marrow

bones wrenching throughout your joints

Tendons and ligaments torn through a pain.

 

Lightning flashes, skidding through these dreams

a washed down gray ridden morning

Dawn failing to dispel the mist

Journey back to time before time

click rewind and pause, no cause for this.

 

The clock still jumps ahead

and your dreamscapes still turn in mind

Engulfed by bitterness, swept along a course of rage

Ice drops glistening, flailiA ting downward a spiral called life

 

Staring past unblinking eyes, profusion of though and enveloping emotives.

Careening crossly, shameful cruelty it swirls around my being

Crass ambiguity slow as molasses in the heat of day

Frame by frame a picture forms

and like a summer storm, rashly skitters away

from the light of truth dawning upon you

 

Shimmies, shivers up my spine, tingling lightly on

pressed to my scalp

A tickle in my ear, frightened tears gleaming

shadowing my eyes.

 

Slickly caressing across my skin, swirling around

it’s eternity, light and darkness, sporadic occurences

with each goal and destination it’s firmly mapped out.

Every sweet breath and sight leading somewhere

beyond the reach it always catches each it’s lost.

….

so yesterday was my first therapy session dealing with my abusive ex boyfriend

something i thought i had dealt with.

i thought i’d moved past him and that it didn’t affect me.

i came home and slept all day.

i almost couldn’t move or think or talk,

all i could do was stare.

i don’t want to admit that what he did still causes me so much pain.

why can’t i just eliminate it from my brain all together,

like he never happened.

the idea of him makes my skin crawl.

i’m so mad he still has so much control over me.

i can’t enjoy compliments from a nice man because he told me i’m worthless.

i don’t let anyone touch me

because he told me to thank his mom for teaching him right

because i deserved to have the shit beat out of me daily.

how lucky i was that he was a “good man” and only did it once in awhile.

he told me my life was nothing without him.

i sat on my knees watching him show me how empty i was without him,

taking all the “happy” family pictures off the walls,

because without him, none of those moments would have happened.

the smell of bud light and blue moon make me sick to my stomach,

that’s what he drank daily and when he’d come home,

he’d force himself on me with beer stained breath, slobbering all over my body

and i’d lay like a dead fish, just waiting for him to be done and pass out.

he said fucking me was like fucking an empty pillowcase,

hollow and empty because that’s what i’d become inside.

no one helped, no one said anything.

i did everything physically possible to make myself less attractive

i stopped taking care of myself, but it didn’t work.

i got on my knees every night begging god to take him away from me,

but there is no god and i’m just a silly stupid girl who believed someone loved me.

no one cared enough to notice the circles under my eyes or the fear on my face.

he threatened to have me killed because he had ties to the mexican mafia,

threatened to slash my tires so i couldn’t go anywhere,

used my child as a weapon to keep me around,

said no one would want my child, let alone want me.

when your longest relationship was an abusive one,

you don’t really have a road map for a healthy one.

so i search for men that are similar to him and i find them.

i let myself be swallowed by men who don’t really love me

and fear the ones who might actually love me right.

i’ll look for every reason that good man isn’t for me.

i can think of a million and one reasons why he’s too good for me,

because i don’t deserve happy ever after.

i don’t know how to do healthy,

but i’m learning.

and one day, i’ll deserve happy ever after.

 

Him

Him

By Jenn

when i say id give him my heart i mean id cut it out place it in a jar & write his name in gold glitter. id shave my body to make myself clean. just for him id scrap my skin off to clean the touch of anyone who isn’t him off my flesh. so when he touches me its like hes the first and only person to touch me and my body is his and his alone. then not one other soul has touched me but him. id tie myself up and let him devour every inch of me until my body only screams his name. if i could turn my skin inside out for him id want him to live inside me forever i would let him reside in my thigh make him a little bed and walk around with him sleeping in between my legs. when he wakes up he stretches then reaches up to take a drink from his favorite fountain that resides inside my vagina. my vagina it is his favorite smell. it’s his favorite feeling and being inside of me makes him feel like he’s descended to heaven and he sits on a gold throne thats reserved for god. when he says he loves me my whole body jerks. i would do anything to hear him say that again. i would wrestle every demon he had while he battles mine. his kiss tastes like sunshine and reminds me of summers on my grandpas farm. it’s hot and fresh and i can spin in it until i fall on the ground. his hands mold to my body like they were made to fit only me. our kisses move mountains and everyone should kiss like that. the magic that sparks when we touch ignites the world and can make the world sigh in unison wishing they knew that kind of love. youre right baby it must be me falling in love. why couldnt i realize it when i still had you

 

 

If Stevie Nicks was my real mom

If Stevie Nicks Was My Real Mom

By Jenn

if stevie nicks was my mom
my life would be so much better
i’d learn how to be magic
and how to dance
i’d learn what romance is
and how to fall in love
i’d feel love from her everyday
because i’d be her world
i would dress like her
and raid her closets for all her “witchy” dresses
i would put on her boots
and dance and float around the house
trying to be just like her
she would smile and take a million pictures
that she’d put all over the house and show all her friends
she teach me about life
and how to follow my dreams
she’d make me feel special every second of my life
she would hug me and hold my hand
and i’d never be uncomfortable being touched
because we bonded the instant she first held me
and kissed me all over my little baby body
she would sing me to sleep
by singing “landslide” or “rhiannon”
because she knew they were my favorite
she would teach me poetry
and how to speak my mind
she would teach me to stand in my own truth
and how to be a strong women
she’s let me dream
and tell me i can do whatever i want to do
she’d make me lavender tea
and we’d sit in our beautiful white dresses
by the pool drinking tea and eating cucumber sandwiches
she’d love her grandkids because they came from me
then she’d brag about the fact they look just like her
i would feel safe and loved
not one day would go by
that i didn’t know my mom loved me
i’d call her everyday
because we’d be best friends
i’d tell her everything
she’d keep all my secrets
i’d keep all her stories and wisdom tucked deep down
to pass on to my kids who look just like her
because whatever she’s made of
i want to be made of too

 

Sunshine and Lilacs

Sunshine and Lilacs

By Jenn

In my mind
I see her there
Tall, grey and purple
The light around her is purple
Her aura emotes sunshine and purple rays of love
Maybe that’s why it’s my favorite color
She smells like sunshine
Like my skin smells when I come in from too much sun
The smell of sweat, hot and fresh
Like just cut grass
When I smell my own skin
The image of her comes to me
That’s all it takes to bring her back
I hear her voice echoing in my ears
I smell the fresh lilacs that
Remind me that her dress is
The purple shade of the lilac buds
That use to grow across the street
And as she spins to the music she sings
That purple dress, her hair, her arms
Float like leaves in the fall breeze
Her dress turns into the purple lilacs
I put on my grandmother’s grave last week
And as she spins, I smell purple and sunshine
The new purple and white lilacs become her legs
And they float in the summer breeze
It makes me feel safe
And I’m right back to being that little girl
Wrapped up in a image I made up in my mind
Her voice is soft and quite
With a sharp emphasis on t’s and d’s
She tells me about the trees
And how they are my friends
Then she reaches out and
Her arm floats out to touch the leaves above my head
“This is how life starts, darling” she says
With that she brings her hand back
Her soft, small hand reaches out for my hand
If I put my hand in hers
She will take me away
Away from all the fighting and screaming
Away from being alone

Ode to those who know what’s best for my body

I’m so glad you’re around
What would I do without you?
I mean,
I might make a decision about my body
Without your input
I mean,
What if I decide I didn’t ever want a baby
You know, like ever
But still wanted to have sex
With men I’m not married to
Or if I decided I needed to protect myself
From an unwanted pregnancy
Because of all sex with men I’m not married to
Or maybe I decided I didn’t want
That STD you’ll most likely give me
Or maybe I need a pap smear
I’m glad you’re offering to do it for me
And close Planned Parenthood
Because, let’s be real here
Who needs affordable health care anyway
Because you know,
I’m just a woman
How could I ever know what I want
It’s not like I have my own mind
It’s not like I take my own
Bloody tampons out every month
How would I know how to do that
Without you, Mr. Vice President Pence
How the fuck did I ever get
Through my teen years
Without you telling me
I couldn’t have sex
Or kiss that pretty girl
I would have never known that was all wrong
Because you’re the end all be all right?
You’re America’s god right?
You know what’s best
Based on what you read in your
Overly translated book
So is your bible the first edition
Or is it the one “translated” from english to bigot
Is it the version that tells you that
God is the final judge
Or is it the one that tells you
That “christians” are the judges
Is it the one that tells you Jesus hung with whores
Or maybe it’s the one that tells you all women ARE whores
Do you follow the Old Testament?
Or the New?
Because I’d like to judge you, Mr. Pence
Cause your hair is cut
And you didn’t sacrifice a white lamb on a hill to please god
Ya know,
I might just might be one of those “liberals”
You know the ones that “whine”
Because our candidate didn’t win
Because we got hurt?
Ya know,
The ones that just want everyone to have
Equal rights and opportunities
Ya know,
Those liberals who march against violence,
March FOR human rights
I mean,
How fucking dare we
Ya know,
Those things you and the administration are against

It’s ok Mr President
We see through you too
We know you’re just a
Racist piece of shit
Who can’t tell his
Head from his ass
Now aren’t you…good boy..
Keep jumping for Putin
We all know, Mr. Trump
How much of a bigot you are
We see through you and your “covfefe”
Sieg Heil to you Mr. Trump
Oh you don’t know?
That’s how Nazi’s saluted Hitler

 

To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t

To the first girl I ever wanted to kiss, but didn’t
Jenn Stall

I saw you
I saw you standing there looking at me
Trying to hide the lust in your eyes
Your eyes scanning my body
Like a human metal detector
You butch, beautiful, sexy woman
I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling
But I knew I wanted your hands on me
I knew I wanted you to kiss me
To have the heat from your mouth
Warm me up and make my body sing
But I knew I hated you
Because I wanted you
I didn’t really know what was happening
I saw your disappointment in me
When I’d leave with someone you don’t like
I didn’t know how to talk to you
So I ran
And ran to a boy who didn’t
Even begin to look at me like you did
I saw your ache for me to be sober
When I’d show up to work stoned
Or leave with the fellow pothead boy
Who only wanted one thing
But I did know you wanted
That same thing from me
You wanted to rip my clothes off
And eat me alive
Wanted to hear me scream your name
But wanted it to be real and loving
Not just a one time “roll in the hay”
You wanted to worship my body
And play it like a fine piano
Stroking every key to
Create sweet music
You, you tomboy with your rollerblades
You made me feel
Where feelings didn’t usually set
I had never wanted a girl before
And you made my mind wander
When I found myself alone with you
In that walk-in freezer
At the sonic when you came to
Open the store where I worked
When you got close to me
So close I could smell your breath
I could see your breath speed up
Your chest rising and falling in hunger
And the cold I had felt
Was no longer cold
Only heat between you and me
But I think you were just as scared as I was
I think you were afraid to admit
You wanted me to
Did you have someone back home?
Did you not indulge in
Your thirst for pussy?
I felt it when you touched me
I felt it when you smiled at me
Your eyes danced with need
And longing for something
That you would never give yourself
Me…
I look back at that time
And I know now exactly what it was
I wanted you for you
I wanted to let our bodies
Become one
I wanted to taste you
Every time I go to that Sonic
In Cheyenne
I wonder if you’re still there
Wait for you to come skating out
So I can run up to you and finally hold you
Maybe you will finally admit it
Maybe you had dreams of me too
And maybe you were my one
But I didn’t know what loving a girl meant
I couldn’t admit I wanted a girl
I’m sorry I let you go